Your attachment style is blocking your blessings

We must regain our power and reclaim our right to be in healthy, supportive relationships

Hey y’all,

The time has come!

After what seems like years of publicity, criticism, skepticism, and excitement—Disney’s reboot of The Little Mermaid featuring our girl Halle Bailey drops in theaters this Friday! Whoever knew a little ol’ mermaid could cause such a stir? To be honest, out of all the Disney movies I watched as a kid, little me definitely wasn’t rewinding this VHS tape often. I was more of a Lion King and Aladdin girl, but nonetheless, I’m going to find an English-speaking movie theater here in Medellin, stock up on my Colombian refrigerios, and be SAT in the theater come Friday. And you?

This Week’s Story

Have you heard of attachment styles? When it comes to relationships, many people believe that knowing yours is the key to improving how you relate and connect with others. This week’s writer, Ajani Inez, shares her story on how she finally stopped attracting toxic relationships after working on her attachment style. Can you relate? Let me know in the comments!

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Mag

Why It's Hard to Let Go: The Connection Between Attachment Style and Unhealthy Relationships

by Ajani Inez

Why is it so hard to leave a relationship that you're unhappy in? About two years ago, I was asking myself this very same question. I had just ended an abusive relationship that lasted a lot longer than it should have, and I couldn't figure out why it took me so long to detach. I knew I was unhappy. I felt so unsafe, ungrounded, and insecure. I was completely aware of how unhealthy this relationship was. Yet, my fear of leaving was more substantial than my will to go.

A part of me felt like I was giving up too easily, that I wasn't being a good girlfriend. I constantly thought that maybe I was triggering his physical and emotional abuse toward me. I felt that if I could somehow figure out how to love him better while avoiding his triggers, eventually, things would work out; he would change, love me better, and he would no longer hurt me. A part of me believed we would have this fairytale love every woman dreams of having. One day, after an intense fight, I finally had enough. It never really got better. I had to shift from the reality that infatuation and potential created to the present moment. I had to get honest with myself. This relationship was not going to work for me. 

This isn't the first time a relationship has overstayed its welcome in my life, or I overstayed my welcome. A year or so prior, I had ended a five-year relationship that was just as toxic. Early in the relationship, we would get into disagreements that would end in explosive arguments. This behavior would continue throughout the entire duration of the relationship. The red flags were warning me that this relationship wasn't a good idea, but at the time, those red flags were looking a little pink. This relationship was way better than being alone, so I stood beside him. 

There was this deep longing to cling to a relationship despite the instability and not being loved properly. I knew this was wrong, but my heart and mind wanted what they wanted. This storyline repeated many times throughout the majority of my relationships. 

There came a point when I became so sick and tired of the relationships I was attracting and finding myself in. I knew I deserved better, but I couldn't figure out how to align myself to a healthier one, so I decided to go on a celibacy journey to get to the root of it all. This would be my moment to discover myself and learn how I loved and liked to be loved. A moment to allow my mind and heart to quiet and soften to hear what was happening. What parts of myself was I ignoring? What aspects of me needed me? Throughout his journey, I could see how specific traumas had affected me and how these traumas manifested within my character, affecting my ability to make decisions and my capability of giving and receiving love.

What I have come to understand is that a lot of the time, when we seek a connection, we seek the closest thing to comfort. Not necessarily trust, honesty, respect, and healthy communication, although that's what we expect to some degree. We ultimately base our decisions on positive and negative experiences of having our needs met early on as a child. These experiences are better known as attachments.

Reflecting on my childhood, my dad was detached, and in and out of the picture, me and my mom had a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I watched her being around so many temporary men with their own agendas. One of those minute-men became a lifetime when he got my mother pregnant with my little sister. Unfortunately, this was the same man who would molest me when I was twelve. Mix all of these, and you have what I would call a childhood trauma cocktail! This was love. This "love" that I was constantly exposed to and gained comfort with left me vulnerable as I got older. I subconsciously created a pattern of looking for safety in all the wrong relationships. 

I created so many narratives and beliefs on how to give and receive love from these experiences. Because of this, the relationships I formed were usually always explosive, abusive, and painful. I suffered heavily from self-esteem, trust, abandonment, and even anger issues. I was emotionally short-circuited due to the disorganized attachments that were formed between me and my parents. 

As human beings, we all have a fundamental need to connect with others. Attachment styles lay the foundation for how we, as children, will manage our relationships in the future. We create these bonds with our parents in our early childhood years and learn to connect with others through these attachments. Our attachment style influences how we approach relationships, including our expectations, emotions, and behavior.

Recognizing and understanding the impact of our childhood experiences on our attachment styles can be an essential step in healing our attachment wounds and forming healthier relationships.

The Attachment Styles

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Those with a secure attachment style that had sensitive, available, and responsive parents are more likely to form healthy, supportive relationships, while those with an anxious attachment style that had inconsistently responsive parents may struggle with jealousy, codependency, and insecurity in their relationships. They also fear of abandonment and have a tendency to cling to others. Those with an avoidant attachment style with distant, rigid, and unresponsive parents may struggle with emotional intimacy. In contrast, those with a disorganized attachment style with unresponsive and inconsistent parents may experience intense emotional ups and downs in their relationships.

When it comes to effectively transitioning out of an unhealthy relationship, I find that our attachment styles can affect our ability to do so, and this is because our attachment styles also play a significant role in maintaining unhealthy relationships, putting us in a position that makes it hard to leave. For example, individuals with an anxious attachment may be more likely to tolerate abusive or controlling behavior from their partner, while those with an avoidant attachment style may be more likely to withdraw emotionally or physically from their partner in response to conflict. Individuals with a disorganized attachment style may experience intense and unpredictable emotional reactions in their relationships, leading to instability and conflict. In contrast, those with a secure attachment style are more likely to be able to navigate conflict and communicate effectively with their partner, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Another thing I feel called to add to this topic is the fact that unhealthy relationships are a prevalent problem in the Black community, with Black women being immensely affected. We see this in the media as black families being portrayed as non-nuclear, abusive, and dysfunctional. Unfortunately, we also experience this in our families and communities firsthand. The reasons for this are complex and multifaceted, including historical trauma, systemic racism, and cultural attitudes toward relationships and gender roles.

I remember being in my last abusive relationship. I felt so uncomfortable speaking up about what I was experiencing in fear of being judged or not heard. So many influential women in my family have accepted abusive, toxic relationships as their fate, and I felt that I would be misunderstood if I were to speak the truth about my situation. So I ended up navigating it on my own the best I could.

Forgiving through dysfunction in the name of a happily ever after, or in the name of having someone to come home to is a narrative that needs to end here. We must regain our power and reclaim our right to be in healthy, supportive relationships that allow us to thrive in our creativity and feminine essence! 

As someone who has experienced the impact of many unhealthy relationships, I have come to understand that the most challenging thing in life is letting go. Whether it's a toxic relationship, a job that no longer serves us, or a habit holding us back. The process of letting go is never easy; however, when it comes to something that no longer serves us, letting go can be one of the most complex decisions but one of the most potent acts of self-love we can take for ourselves. Don't allow yourself to resist change because you feel that you've invested too much of your time and energy into a relationship, or even worse; you carry the scarcity mindset that you won't attract a better partner or a partner at all once you release the old relationship. Your fear is a reaction from an unhealed part of yourself. 

The only way to remove the pain of an unhealthy relationship is to let it go. Honoring yourself this way increases your self-worth, respect, and boosts your self-esteem aligning you to attract the person who is aligned. Because ultimately we are who we attract right? Right. For affirmation purposes, listen to Vitaman by Toni Jones. Such a game changer for healing the heart, mind, body, and soul! An important line she mentions: “I am no longer ignoring my pattern of choices with men, I’m taking accountability”. Talk about empowered. Talk about a way to call forth your healthy romantic partner! 

Healing attachment wounds requires a commitment to self-reflection and self-care. This may look like working with a therapist to source and address attachment-related issues and engaging in practices that promote emotional regulation and self-awareness. It's essential also to remember that our parents are only the product of their parent's parenting styles and emotional wounds. This helped me tremendously on my healing journey with my mother and father. Although I still carry some pain and grief from my childhood, I remain compassionate with my parents and myself as we are reflections of each other. I continue to lead by example. This being said, your healing journey must include the forgiveness of your parents and yourself. 

If you are currently experiencing an unhealthy relationship, I hope you find the clarity, strength, and empowerment within yourself to leave a relationship if it no longer serves you. I invite you to take the necessary steps to heal your past so you have the mental and emotional capacity to attract an abundant, supportive, prosperous relationship for yourself.

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Ajani Inez is a multidisciplinary healer and guide supporting individuals on their healing journey from the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Through her professions as a tarot reader, Kambo practitioner, and writer, she encourages individuals to recognize and restore healthy physical, mental, emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual factors within themselves.