Omg I love this! And an African dating site for people who want to be child free would be so cool. I also don’t see having kids in my future ( I already have my siblings kids haha) and I’ve learned that you have to find someone who is as passionate about NOT having kids too for a relationship to flourish. So many people act as if they don’t mind or say they never think of it and when you get married, they’re shocked that they can’t get you to change your mind. We can’t be having that. I hope you find your person who also wants a child free future one day, Nobuhle. And I’m glad there are Black women like you sharing your thoughts on this topic <3
I always say my sister's children are my children and the response I always get is, 'You need to bear your own.' #sigh
Being a child-free African girl is tough, ngl. Our culture doesn't understand any of this and it often makes me wonder if I am the problem. Oooop! I will figure it out, one way or another.
More people would be childfree if they knew it was a choice. You’d be surprised how many think children are the default and never really though about it so choosing not to then becomes the rock up a mountain. It is hard, and there’s a lot of feeling that get brought up going against society. Feel it though but ultimately we get one live to live and we have to abide by our hearts. Be open and honest early and often, your love is out there and they will understand. Thanks for talking about this.
You are right. We aren't socialised into choice about many things. And it is a season of hard questions for me. An Uber driver once said to me, 'You are late. You should have 3 children by now.' And it made me sick to my stomach to think that even if I change my mind for whatever reason, it still isn't enough because I am late. There is no winning!
Fellow child-free woman here. I’ll be 38 in a few weeks and I keep waiting for the feeling of loss or regret that they threaten us with but I don’t have it. 🌚
My nieces and nephew fill my heart with so much joy. I have grown to embrace my path and I don’t feel any less for not having children of my own. I know what I want doesn’t look like everyone else’s but that doesn’t make my life less important or less valuable. I want a partner who loves me with whom I can create the life we want together.
I’m writing this to say you are not alone. Living life on your own terms in a society that wants you to conform is a privilege and it takes courage! So keep on and know that the universe has your back. ❤️
Hey Oluwatobi, thank you so much for sharing your experience. The fear of the future will always be a hard thing to fight and get past. A friend of mine once said, the future doesn't exist and I am still trying to convince myself. Lol
It is encouraging to learn that there are people who are living happy, fulfilled child-free lives.
My name is Siima and I’m a child-free African woman living on the continent. Thank you so much for sharing this! The piece resonated with me, especially when you wrote about people assuming you hate children because you don’t want motherhood. I felt seen.
I knew I didn’t want children over a decade ago and often got shamed for it. It’s only in recent years that I’ve fully owned my choice and not hidden it. Everytime I express it, it’s like I’ve said something blasphemous and turns into a lecture, sigh. With regard to dating, I’d say it definitely made it harder where I live (Uganda) but I was blessed to meet my partner (in the US) who doesn’t want kids.
I’m holding space for you and sending love and light!
Hello fellow child-free women in the house! You are not selfish, you are a human that continues to elevate your human experiences. I don't let society dictate my body. I choose to be child free but am a pet lover. Thanks for the article.
This is such an important topic! I love that you shared it.
I am American born so I understand the intensity of your situation from what I read in the comments is heightened in Africa, where like you said earlier, the expectation is still marry and bear his children.
The sentiment is still lingering here in the US but I feel like there seems to be a general consensus that women are making alternative choices than the norm and those forcing their traditional choices on you, can exit stage left while you surround yourself with folks who get your decision and support it.
I am child free with a husband and we are DINKWADs (dual income no kids with a dog). This life is pretty epic. I am 38 and we are still mulling over having kids and I simply just don’t subscribe to the ridiculous age ranges the medical industry puts on women or all the BS that comes with opting out or choosing to wait for later in life. I want to be absolutely sure this is the direction I want to go.
Having a kid is A MASSIVE DECISION and I was not of the camp that I should rush into this situation because “that’s what I am supposed do next,” then if you hate it you’re trapped. You cannot undo that choice and I have spoken to far too many women who have regrets about doing what they thought was expected I.e. having kids and are telling me a woman who is like I’m still making sure it’s for me - that I should live my life and opt out of having kids. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be.
This is all such a individualistic journey and I think you should be so proud and wave your choice like a banner. I have so much respect for women who think this choice through rather than just follow the tide blindly.
I don’t care what anyone says at this point, if my ‘window’ closes so be it, I love my life currently. If it happens for me then I know I waited long enough to be sure and I will know myself well enough to take on that responsibility.
I think the aging issue also troubles me. As Twitter says, 'Once women turn 30 they are spoilt milk.' It adds to my anxiety because a lot of men side eye unmarried women who are in their 30s. They treat us like we are desperate and should be grateful if they look our way. It is exhausting! We are trying to beat the clock for marriage, child-bearing, careers and the list goes on.
You’ll find them! Or they’ll find you, please continue to push for what you want/believe. I chose to be child free unapologetically at 23 and decided to get permanent birth control at 27. My husband is an East African/African American man who also didn’t want to have children. I’m so glad I never settled with a partner from my past who wouldn’t have truly accepted that I didn’t want kids.
I find this really fascinating. I would have thought there were lots and lots of people who would appreciate dating without the prospect of children looming over them… I do have a kid and I love him but I have so many happy childless friends. It’s not really rare anymore… or so I thought?
Where I am from, an African woman must get married and bear children. So even the men do not believe in one being child-free. They are looking for women who want children too and I am on the sidelines, waiting for something. I am not sure what right now. Lol
I hope you find it! We are moving forward from that ‘everyone must reproduce’ mindset, though I understand in some communities it must be going far more slowly than in others. Hoping some day soon we will all be living the lives we actually want.
The dating shows of this channel are a nightmare. I always watch episode 1 out of curiosity but can never continue. It's like they intentionally cast those deranged people ?The men especially are awful.
--------
Nobuhle, Rumi said " what you're seeking is alsi seeking you" and I'm sure you will find your match eventually. I know so many people that want to remain childfree, I wonder why they never seem to find each other. Maybe someone should build a dating app for that ?
The dating app is an absolute need Nzinga! But I fear we might end up finding women only because African men? They aren't coming to the party. And I get their point but...#sigh
Oh dear, I get this...I'm 26 I want to be married or alteast according to my fairytale dreams I should be married by now, but I'm still waiting. While in the wait, there's a secret fear I have, and that's the fear of getting pregnant. I don't know if my fear is different, in that I don't really fear motherhood, I fear being a single mother🥺
Motherhood as a whole sounds like jumping into a new universe and I don't know if I can handle it. I have watched aunts, sisters and friends lives change so quickly. It gives me so much anxiety, staying right here feels safe.
Boy! I thought I was the only one that hates that show on OWN network. Where did they find these bastards that have no common sense from? In the main article, if you have no desire to breed another human being - stand your ground. You don't want to be a friend of mine who adopted a child 9 years ago and left the child to the care of her sister in another continent.
I find so many men (regardless of orientation) want kids... it's actually quite shocking to me.
In my early psych classes I learnt that most "males" want to see offspring. I don't know if they're teaching that now, lol, but so far it hasn't been wrong.
I don't really want to have kids, although I think it would be cool to be a parent... or to parent a child. But that can also be done through being an aunty. So many of my friends want kids and it takes a village. like we can't all be wanting a day off and having to drop our kids with friends who already have kids?!!? right?! lol
the jury is still out, but i totally feel you.
I hope you find someone with whom to do this life thing! Cats or human :)
I'm 35 and I always thought I wanted to be a mother because of how much I love children. However, these past two years have made me question if it's for me. My mother runs a pre-school so I'm very aware of how much children require. I also know how much I require to feel nurtured and cared for. I have a vast number of interests are projects I want to pour myself in, which would take me away from my babies if I have them. I think about how overstimulated I get and how much downtime I need. And I question if motherhood is for me.
I have just started living my life, after spending my 20s in a dead end relationship. Do I really want to abandon myself again? I know like everything I put my mind to, I would go all in on motherhood. Give my child the best of me, that's what I do for people I love. But what if I need the best of me, for now? Forever?
I'm still on the fence of being child-free. A part of me still desires motherhood and I'm mourning the part of myself that identified with that dream.
Omg I love this! And an African dating site for people who want to be child free would be so cool. I also don’t see having kids in my future ( I already have my siblings kids haha) and I’ve learned that you have to find someone who is as passionate about NOT having kids too for a relationship to flourish. So many people act as if they don’t mind or say they never think of it and when you get married, they’re shocked that they can’t get you to change your mind. We can’t be having that. I hope you find your person who also wants a child free future one day, Nobuhle. And I’m glad there are Black women like you sharing your thoughts on this topic <3
I always say my sister's children are my children and the response I always get is, 'You need to bear your own.' #sigh
Being a child-free African girl is tough, ngl. Our culture doesn't understand any of this and it often makes me wonder if I am the problem. Oooop! I will figure it out, one way or another.
More people would be childfree if they knew it was a choice. You’d be surprised how many think children are the default and never really though about it so choosing not to then becomes the rock up a mountain. It is hard, and there’s a lot of feeling that get brought up going against society. Feel it though but ultimately we get one live to live and we have to abide by our hearts. Be open and honest early and often, your love is out there and they will understand. Thanks for talking about this.
You are right. We aren't socialised into choice about many things. And it is a season of hard questions for me. An Uber driver once said to me, 'You are late. You should have 3 children by now.' And it made me sick to my stomach to think that even if I change my mind for whatever reason, it still isn't enough because I am late. There is no winning!
Heyy!
Fellow child-free woman here. I’ll be 38 in a few weeks and I keep waiting for the feeling of loss or regret that they threaten us with but I don’t have it. 🌚
My nieces and nephew fill my heart with so much joy. I have grown to embrace my path and I don’t feel any less for not having children of my own. I know what I want doesn’t look like everyone else’s but that doesn’t make my life less important or less valuable. I want a partner who loves me with whom I can create the life we want together.
I’m writing this to say you are not alone. Living life on your own terms in a society that wants you to conform is a privilege and it takes courage! So keep on and know that the universe has your back. ❤️
Hey Oluwatobi, thank you so much for sharing your experience. The fear of the future will always be a hard thing to fight and get past. A friend of mine once said, the future doesn't exist and I am still trying to convince myself. Lol
It is encouraging to learn that there are people who are living happy, fulfilled child-free lives.
Here’s a podcast I follow that talks about the experiences of child-free women. It helps me understand myself better and gives the language to use
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-are-childfree/id1546369494?i=1000617090929
Thank you so much!
Hello Nobuhle,
My name is Siima and I’m a child-free African woman living on the continent. Thank you so much for sharing this! The piece resonated with me, especially when you wrote about people assuming you hate children because you don’t want motherhood. I felt seen.
I knew I didn’t want children over a decade ago and often got shamed for it. It’s only in recent years that I’ve fully owned my choice and not hidden it. Everytime I express it, it’s like I’ve said something blasphemous and turns into a lecture, sigh. With regard to dating, I’d say it definitely made it harder where I live (Uganda) but I was blessed to meet my partner (in the US) who doesn’t want kids.
I’m holding space for you and sending love and light!
Thank you so much Siima. I hope you are proud of yourself for staying true to self. It is hard especially when nobody agrees with your choice.
Hello fellow child-free women in the house! You are not selfish, you are a human that continues to elevate your human experiences. I don't let society dictate my body. I choose to be child free but am a pet lover. Thanks for the article.
This is such an important topic! I love that you shared it.
I am American born so I understand the intensity of your situation from what I read in the comments is heightened in Africa, where like you said earlier, the expectation is still marry and bear his children.
The sentiment is still lingering here in the US but I feel like there seems to be a general consensus that women are making alternative choices than the norm and those forcing their traditional choices on you, can exit stage left while you surround yourself with folks who get your decision and support it.
I am child free with a husband and we are DINKWADs (dual income no kids with a dog). This life is pretty epic. I am 38 and we are still mulling over having kids and I simply just don’t subscribe to the ridiculous age ranges the medical industry puts on women or all the BS that comes with opting out or choosing to wait for later in life. I want to be absolutely sure this is the direction I want to go.
Having a kid is A MASSIVE DECISION and I was not of the camp that I should rush into this situation because “that’s what I am supposed do next,” then if you hate it you’re trapped. You cannot undo that choice and I have spoken to far too many women who have regrets about doing what they thought was expected I.e. having kids and are telling me a woman who is like I’m still making sure it’s for me - that I should live my life and opt out of having kids. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be.
This is all such a individualistic journey and I think you should be so proud and wave your choice like a banner. I have so much respect for women who think this choice through rather than just follow the tide blindly.
I don’t care what anyone says at this point, if my ‘window’ closes so be it, I love my life currently. If it happens for me then I know I waited long enough to be sure and I will know myself well enough to take on that responsibility.
No one can rush me and that is my choice.
Respect ✊🏾 Sis!
I think the aging issue also troubles me. As Twitter says, 'Once women turn 30 they are spoilt milk.' It adds to my anxiety because a lot of men side eye unmarried women who are in their 30s. They treat us like we are desperate and should be grateful if they look our way. It is exhausting! We are trying to beat the clock for marriage, child-bearing, careers and the list goes on.
Someone needs to stop the clock! Lol
Or remove the clock all together because it’s BS!!
You’ll find them! Or they’ll find you, please continue to push for what you want/believe. I chose to be child free unapologetically at 23 and decided to get permanent birth control at 27. My husband is an East African/African American man who also didn’t want to have children. I’m so glad I never settled with a partner from my past who wouldn’t have truly accepted that I didn’t want kids.
If you could show me the pool you swam in before finding your husband, I would really appreciate it.
Happy endings are what I live for. Congratulations to you and your hubby! Thank you for sharing your journey.
An African dating site for people who want to remain child free would be awesome.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I enjoyed the read.
I find this really fascinating. I would have thought there were lots and lots of people who would appreciate dating without the prospect of children looming over them… I do have a kid and I love him but I have so many happy childless friends. It’s not really rare anymore… or so I thought?
Where I am from, an African woman must get married and bear children. So even the men do not believe in one being child-free. They are looking for women who want children too and I am on the sidelines, waiting for something. I am not sure what right now. Lol
I hope you find it! We are moving forward from that ‘everyone must reproduce’ mindset, though I understand in some communities it must be going far more slowly than in others. Hoping some day soon we will all be living the lives we actually want.
The dating shows of this channel are a nightmare. I always watch episode 1 out of curiosity but can never continue. It's like they intentionally cast those deranged people ?The men especially are awful.
--------
Nobuhle, Rumi said " what you're seeking is alsi seeking you" and I'm sure you will find your match eventually. I know so many people that want to remain childfree, I wonder why they never seem to find each other. Maybe someone should build a dating app for that ?
The dating app is an absolute need Nzinga! But I fear we might end up finding women only because African men? They aren't coming to the party. And I get their point but...#sigh
Oh dear, I get this...I'm 26 I want to be married or alteast according to my fairytale dreams I should be married by now, but I'm still waiting. While in the wait, there's a secret fear I have, and that's the fear of getting pregnant. I don't know if my fear is different, in that I don't really fear motherhood, I fear being a single mother🥺
Motherhood as a whole sounds like jumping into a new universe and I don't know if I can handle it. I have watched aunts, sisters and friends lives change so quickly. It gives me so much anxiety, staying right here feels safe.
Boy! I thought I was the only one that hates that show on OWN network. Where did they find these bastards that have no common sense from? In the main article, if you have no desire to breed another human being - stand your ground. You don't want to be a friend of mine who adopted a child 9 years ago and left the child to the care of her sister in another continent.
Oh my! This is not how I pictured this comment ending. Is your friend okay? Did she eventually find her footing?
Sorry if I came off the wrong way. She simply wants the child to be completely independent before sending for her.
Oh, ok, that makes sense.
LOOLL I feel this!
I find so many men (regardless of orientation) want kids... it's actually quite shocking to me.
In my early psych classes I learnt that most "males" want to see offspring. I don't know if they're teaching that now, lol, but so far it hasn't been wrong.
I don't really want to have kids, although I think it would be cool to be a parent... or to parent a child. But that can also be done through being an aunty. So many of my friends want kids and it takes a village. like we can't all be wanting a day off and having to drop our kids with friends who already have kids?!!? right?! lol
the jury is still out, but i totally feel you.
I hope you find someone with whom to do this life thing! Cats or human :)
I'm 35 and I always thought I wanted to be a mother because of how much I love children. However, these past two years have made me question if it's for me. My mother runs a pre-school so I'm very aware of how much children require. I also know how much I require to feel nurtured and cared for. I have a vast number of interests are projects I want to pour myself in, which would take me away from my babies if I have them. I think about how overstimulated I get and how much downtime I need. And I question if motherhood is for me.
I have just started living my life, after spending my 20s in a dead end relationship. Do I really want to abandon myself again? I know like everything I put my mind to, I would go all in on motherhood. Give my child the best of me, that's what I do for people I love. But what if I need the best of me, for now? Forever?
I'm still on the fence of being child-free. A part of me still desires motherhood and I'm mourning the part of myself that identified with that dream.
I need to read this.
Please do - such a good read!
Thanks for sharing a compelling article to your fellow child free women in the US.