I'm a child-free Black woman and it's ruining my love life

Another reason women are undesirable *eye roll*

Hey y'all,

I don't usually watch OWN, Oprah’s eponymous TV network once a place for reruns of her many self-help shows now turned into a Black dating reality show hub, but when I do, it's when I'm at my parents house because they have cable and Netflix is BIG TRIPPIN’ by making us wait this long for part 2 of Bridgerton season 3 (which should be out by the time this letter is in your inbox).

We tend to watch Ready To Love, but this time we decided to try a new show, The Never Ever Mets. Seven couples who met online and have been dating online anywhere from 3 months to 12 years and have never met are brought to LA to finally meet their partners in person, and live in a house with other people who are meeting their online baes for the first time—what could go wrong?

Chile—episode one alone had me wanting to contact Oprah herself and ask her why she decided to air this. In the very first episode, one of the men assaulted his “date” because he believed she was flirting with another man in the house. Both of them were asked to leave the show. In the next episode, a woman called her partner a “bitch,” yelled at him incessantly, and gaslit him. In the next few episodes, over and over again, we watched as grown men and women called each other names like “bitch” and “slut”, continue to assault each other, and publicly humiliate each other.

The producers did a horrible job at protecting the cast, and it makes me realize why Black dating shows don't get bigger stages on networks and streaming services. There is a certain type of violence that is allowed on Black dating shows that would absolutely never fly on “mainstream” dating shows. In this case, when the first episode incident happened, the producers sent the cast member to a hotel and said he would be back tomorrow. They also let him record an apology video for the woman he was dating and gave her the option to let him stay. Luckily she said no, so they both left, but it was just shameful that he was even given the option.

Reality dating shows are my guilty pleasure, and I try to support our Black ones so they continue to make them, but when we're letting cast members run rampant with misogyny, violence, and manipulation, it doesn't cast a light on the Black dating scene in general, creates toxic spaces for castmates which leads to less people wanting to watch these shows, and reinforces stereotypes. OWN network, do better!

This Week’s Story

Ah yes, another thing making women yet even more undesirable to incels, insecure men & women, conservatives and seemingly the world on the already impossibly long list is the choice to be child-free. Because it is a choice, right? In this economy, and for my American readers, this government, that “choice” is looking more and more like the forced reality for a lot of women. This week’s writer, Nobuhle N. Nyoni, hails from Zimbabwe and is grappling with the fact that her choice to remain child-free may keep her single forever. At least she'll be able to live a long, zealous life with her cats. Doesn't sound too bad to me!

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie

EIC of Carefree Mag

How My Choice To Be Child-free Has Narrowed My Chances For Marriage

by Nobuhle N. Nyoni

Have you ever felt like something you wanted was out of reach yet so close? I have felt this way every single day of my life since deciding to be child-free. 

My revelation of this came after I found out I was pregnant a few years ago. I sat in front of that nurse with emptiness in my eyes. I was afraid of the judgment that I thought would follow my request to terminate. As if the nurse could feel my heart racing, she smiled and directed me to the prenatal clinic. The walk from one department to the other felt long and winded. I could feel myself fading.

When there, the nurse in the prenatal office quickly pulled out a file to fill out my information, and all I said to her was, 'I can't do it.' She paused as though my words were unexpected. There was a shock in her eyes as if she had concluded that I would have been a perfect mother the moment she saw me. I held my breath because I thought a lecture was coming, but she wanted to understand why termination was my choice. I wasn't honest about my reason—fear— and hoped she wouldn’t pull out the "that changes when you give birth" card. I spoke about my financial status and the would-be father not being in my life anymore. Yet, the actual truth was that I had no desire to be a mother.

She did not try to convince me otherwise. Instead, she shared words of comfort before writing a letter to the hospital I was to go to for the procedure. While I knew motherhood was not an option for me, I still struggled with the decision. I sat in a room alone, waiting for the nurse to show up with the pills. And all my brain could do was play multiple voices, some encouraging me and some judging me to the gods. For a moment, I felt like I was losing my mind.

Many assume that because being child-free is a personal choice, it is easy to reconcile with. I assure you that it is not. I battled with the feeling of abnormality that lingered for a very long time before fully accepting it. I watched people my age tweet about their motherhood journeys with so much joy. I saw the milestone celebrations and the cute photoshoots. And on some days, I questioned why my response to this wasn't broodiness. Was something inside of me broken? The answer is no. I am just a woman who doesn't want to bear children.

Before this discovery, I aspired to get married and have children. I wanted the fairytale endings Hollywood sold us on our television screens. I had watched my aunts and cousins find their happily ever after. Of course, I wanted my family and friends to gather for my wedding. I dreamt of the surprise baby shower my friends would throw for me a few months later.

Fast forward to today, I am in the famous 'talking stage' with a suitor, and my only dread is the inevitable procreation conversation . It's always sticky because I want the conversation to happen sooner rather than later to safeguard my heart. Selfish, I know. I also want it to happen further along in the relationship because I hope that my personality, love, and character are enough to change their minds. I hope they fall so deep in love that life without me seems unfathomable.

'You just broke my heart. How could you say you don’t want to have children? With your looks, you would make beautiful babies. And your heart is so pure, you would make a great mom.' - a potential lover.

The reality is that I get points for being in my thirties and being childless. But once the conversation around my child-free choice happens, it marks the beginning of the end. I can feel the shift slowly happening, like clockwork. They transfer me to the "short-term relationship" or the "smash and pass" box. The dates become spaced out, the communication becomes poor, and the "breakup" inevitably follows. I never make the first move, even when I see it coming. I guess it is because deep down, I know it will not hurt any less.

'We will adopt. You won't have to carry our children. I understand that pregnancy is scary. I wouldn't want to go through it either.' - a woman I loved.

What this ex-lover missed is that my choice to be child-free was not out of fear of carrying children. It is out of the lack of the desire to be a mother, period. For so long, connections have tried to psycho-analyse me, convinced my mind could change. They even went to great lengths to get me around children to see how I would be. Another misconception people have about individuals who have chosen to be child-free.

We do not hate children. Child-free individuals can put children to sleep, play with them, and make them feel safe. We are just not interested in parenting for the rest of our lives because we understand how big of a responsibility that is. Our self-awareness validates the vastness of the responsibility, and we opt out because we know we can not handle it. At the end of this particular day, my ex-lover made a comment that alluded to the fact that I was being selfish towards them. They believed that my inability to reach a compromise was unfair to them.

Ultimately, I was the reason for things ending. But aren't I always? My choice seems to have invited a dark cloud to loom over my love life. Very few people talk about the impact this has on one's mental health. Companionship is a desire that lives in all of us. However, as a child-free woman in her thirties, my dating pool has become so small. That reality alone breeds anxiety and depression because the chance of finding love looks bleak.

There are times when I consider changing my mind. I try to convince myself that it wouldn't hurt, and I would love being a mom. I tell myself that the joy that my lover would have when I gift them with a child would be the strength I need to carry on. Then I feel my soul shrugging, and the vision becomes blurry. Should I start investing in cats?

Someone once said to me, 'What is the point of getting married if you do not procreate?' And my response was pretty simple, 'To date forever.' I believe that for a marriage to last, there is a need to continue dating each other, children or not. If we are happy dating now, why can't it be enough after the vows? There is so much more that can fill up our lives in place of children. Unfortunately, my view isn't shared by many. So until I find the love of my life, I will be here browsing through cat catalogues and wondering if I should start an African dating site for child-free people only.

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Nobuhle N Nyoni is a Zimbabwean writer, podcaster, web designer and virtual assistant with a boundless love for storytelling. She has written for publications such as Black Ballad, TAP Magazine, Metro UK and Adventures From. Nobuhle's portfolio boasts of topics such as sex & sexuality, relationships, sexual minorities, and podcasting in Africa. Recently, she launched Young & Oversharing (https://youngnoversharing.substack.com/), a newsletter for young women figuring it out one mistake at a time.