You Gotta Say This Word With Your Chest

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Oct 23, 2023

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Hey y’all,

Has there ever been a time when you thought you hated something, but later you realized you actually enjoyed it? It wasn’t the activity you hated, it was the people you were surrounded with being haters.

For months, my partner has been begging me to go rock climbing with him. I despisedddd rock climbing and would make that very clear to him. He always asked why and my response was: because I suck at it and that’s frustrating to me. However, this past weekend, we went, you guessed it, rock climbing, and I surprisingly enjoyed it (secretly, don’t tell him). He made sure I knew all the rules, gave me space to rest or skip a climb, and cheered me on the whole way through. I definitely felt empowered, which is not a feeling I ever associated with rock climbing.

The last time I went climbing, I was with a couple of friends who were really good and had no interest in helping me. I felt like they were annoyed that I wasn’t good and just couldn’t be bothered (hey, I didn’t wanna be here either. Y’all invited ME!) When trying something new, the best way to feel confident about trying again and possibly even enjoying it is to do it with people who will look out for you and encourage you to keep going. That’s with anything in life. A good job can be ruined by a bad manager, romantic relationships can be ruined by hater friends & family, and so on and so forth.

I went from doing the beginner climbs because I just knew I wasn’t good enough, to doing the same climbs my partner was doing by the end. I’m sore AF, but also feeling accomplished.

It’s not necessarily the activity you hate, I fully believe most of us (less the born haters among us) can find ways to enjoy anything, as long as we’re with the right people.

It’s all about who you surround yourself with.

This Week’s Story

Who amongst us hasn’t self-identified as a people pleaser at some point in life? As women, it almost seems as if it is our birthright to suffer the plague of people pleasing for a period in our lives. This week, writer Zaniah Boykins shares how she is working on breaking out of her codependent ways and fear of conflict. Shoutout to the greatest word in history. In the great words of Destiny’s Child, “No, No, No.”

Enjoy,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Mag

Being A People-Pleaser Taught Me The Power Of The Word "No"

by Zaniah Boykin

Last May, I took a trip to Cancun with a few friends, some old and some new, where every morning I was awakened by my roommate around 7 a.m., talking loudly on the phone.

Afraid of the confrontation that would accompany a dialogue along the lines of, "Girl have you lost your damn mind? It is early in the morning and we are on vacation, could you please take your call outside?" Instead, I would just start my day early and have breakfast without her in good old passive-aggressive fashion. Through all the run-ins I've had with self-absorbed, apathetic, and what many would describe as narcissistic people, this by far was the biggest wake-up call for me (no pun intended).

Looking back on that vacation, sadly, in the moment I wasn't upset about her disregard for my feelings, or even the red flag that I felt uncomfortable standing up for myself in a situation with someone I regarded as my "friend," but the idea that I spent thousands of dollars to be woken up early in the morning. In true victim fashion, after getting home I told the story over and over again, and while friends were furious that I had gone through that, one by one, they asked a question that most sane people would: Why didn't you stand up for yourself?

The truth is, standing up for myself is something that I have struggled with ever since I could remember. I am a person who feels guilty for openly expressing negative emotions of any kind, has trouble with asking for what I need, goes out of her way to avoid conflict, and is deathly afraid of being alone. I used to be what is described as a codependent person and, to put it simply, I would rely on others to give me my sense of self-worth, validation, and purpose, no matter how toxic they were to my existence.

I felt that asking for what I wanted and needed from people around me was burdensome, so instead, I often neglected my own needs and focused on what I could do for others. The word "no" was one I was afraid to use out of fear. I feared the people I cared for would perceive me as mean and selfish and I would be abandoned for doing so.

When it came to any interdependent relationship, as you could imagine, I had no boundaries and believed that if I tried hard enough I could fix broken people, and love someone into loving me. Does this sound like you? If so, here are some steps towards healing your codependency:

Get To The Core Of Why You Fear Not Being Enough

This step to me is continuously the hardest because it involves lifting up layers and layers of yourself. Much like narcissistic people, codependent people have often encountered traumatic events early on in their lives that shaped their perception of the world and their meaning in it. As a codependent person, you learned that operating in such a way was how to receive love.

Perhaps you were either punished for expressing your needs or when you did they were ignored. Believe it or not, no matter how grown you feel, your childhood affects your life relationships, so healing those wounds can improve your life dramatically. Regardless, you need to accept that you are enough, simply because you were created to be whole.

We are only as needy as our unmet needs, however, you will learn how to fulfill your own as an adult.

You can actually heal that broken child inside of you.

Acknowledge The Benefits Of Your Codependent Patterns

Part of transforming from a victim into a survivor is recognizing your own responsibility in your circumstances... Make sure to not mistake responsibility for blame, as the two are not interchangeable. If you recognize your role in your own suffering, you can take that power and make sure that it doesn't continue.

Now is the time to be brutally honest, and the truth may be very startling. Thoughts like "I'm afraid to stop engaging in this behavior because I'd rather be miserable than be alone" or "I accept less than I deserve because I do not think I deserve the best" may surface and that's okay.

The truth will set you free, even if it pisses you off first, and by verbalizing how you benefit from toxic relationships you will start to see why you continuously end up in them.

The unhealthier version of you enables and feeds off of unhealthy circumstances, but this does not have to be a permanent thing. You have the power to change your reality.

Accept That Letting Go Of Your Codependent Ways Will Result In Some Losses, But Do It Anyway

The reality is, there are parts of your life that are built around you not being your authentic self, so it is to be expected that once you do step into your true self you may see shifts in many parts of your life. There are people who benefit from your lack of boundaries, and there are people who are not going to be used to hearing no. Proceed without shame because guilt is the codependent's kryptonite.

People whom you considered friends in the past may seem less friendly once you stop bending over backward to please them. That job may seem less tolerable once you stop coming in early, skipping lunch, and leaving late to meet their unrealistic deadline. That romantic relationship might fall apart once you stop putting all of your attention on fixing your partner and instead focus on your health and mending the brokenness inside of you. This is all necessary for the well-being of the healthier version of you!

Originally published on xoNecole