Should you stay put or embrace the unknown?
what is causing you to run the hamster wheel?
Hey yall,
Happy Monday!
There was a conference I went back and forth on attending for a few weeks and I realized how afraid I can be of unknowns. While it seemed like a no-brainer to go, I kept ruminating on all the variables that would have to align for this to make sense to my Virgo brain. Also, I didn’t know who all was gon’ be there. I didn’t want to spend all that money and travel all that way just to take an L and not make the connections I needed to make.
You know when you get in a rut of just overthinking something? It’s like your on a hamster wheel, spinning and cycling through the same thoughts but not getting anywhere. I needed a disruptive event to get me off and embrace the unknown. Instead of overthinking it, I chose to reach out to a friend as my disruptive event to get out of my head. And they made it so clear why I needed to go that I kicked myself for wasting brain energy on deciding.
Other disruptive event ideas:
Moving your body (dancing, exercising, physical intimacy)
Writing it out in a journal
Meditation and breathwork
Connecting with a loved one
These things get you out of your head, disrupt your hamster wheel, and redirect your energy to things that make you feel good and give you mental clarity.
So I did end up attending the conference, and while it wasn’t life-altering, I did make connections that made it all worthwhile. Sometimes it'll be an L, sometimes it’ll be a W, so long as you’re in the game.
This Week’s Story
Adventures Unknown is all about embracing the unknown! Writer Ajani Inez is back, and this time with a travel diary on her journey through Colombia with a new…friend 👀 This is part one of a three-part story series we’ll be running over the next few weeks. It gets juicy!
Take care,
Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Mag
Adventures Unknown: An Adventure in Medellin
by Ajani Inez
After spending a couple of days in vibrant Medellin, I desired new adventures. The owner of the small hostel I was staying in recommended Familia Verde Eco Hostel in the mountains of San Carlos, Colombia. Coincidentally, I had noticed this same hostel advertised on the locker cabinets when I first arrived.
Excited, I packed and went to the north terminal for my next adventure.
During the seven-hour bus ride, I wondered who I was about to meet. Was my intuition preparing me for a special encounter, or was my loneliness playing tricks on me? I dismissed the thought and arrived at the eco-hostel around 7 pm. The sensation of sinking into a soft, comfortable bed was pure bliss. I unpacked my belongings, settled in, and decided to roll up a joint. As I prepared to light it, a figure emerged from the darkness and sat across from me on a small wooden chair. It was too dark to see his features clearly, but my curiosity was piqued. I offered him a puff of my joint. I was curious to know if he was the person in my thoughts on the bus.
The next morning, I took a good look at this mystery guy. Initially, his energy didn't fully resonate with me, but I was intrigued and I wanted to explore further. He was cute, slightly taller than me, and even though he had a receding hairline, it wasn't a dealbreaker. Plus, he had that adventurous aura that was right up my alley. Over the next few days, I learned he was French and a Scorpio. As a Virgo with a Scorpio moon, I have a soft spot for water signs in general. I found out that the owner of the hostel in Medellin had recommended the eco-hostel to both of us. What a crazy coincidence, or perhaps this was the beginning of a divine orchestration?
The more time we spent, the more I enjoyed his presence. We flirtatiously interacted in the kitchen while he cooked, and I loved how he always offered me some of his delicious dishes. This gesture spoke directly to my love language. I vividly remember a moment when we were alone in the dorm, and he played the guitar while I joined him by singing along and even showcasing some of my rapping skills. It was a magical, intimate moment that I didn't want to end! I'm not sure if he had any clue about the way I felt, but I wasn't ready to reveal my budding crush on him just yet.
After a week of immersing myself in the beauty of the eco-hostel, the time had come to embark on the next leg of our journey. Uncertainty washed over me as I debated whether I should stay put or embrace the unknown alongside him. He casually mentioned that there were hot springs nearby, tucked away in the heart of Colombia. Eagerly, I mustered the courage to ask him if I could be a part of his journey, to which he responded with a radiant smile. The warmth in his voice echoed a resounding "yes".
We decided to return to Medellin, the place where both of our journeys began at some point. Here I was, immersed in an adventure beyond my wildest dreams, traveling alongside a charming man I had met during my journey abroad. In the recesses of my mind, vivid scenarios unfolded, The very notion of us passionately falling in love and traveling across the globe, before eventually settling down on a tranquil countryside plot, seemed like a script crafted just for us.
Leaving the eco-hostel, we were accompanied by two other female travelers. He was overly friendly with one of the girls, and I couldn't help but think, "Why aren't you showering me with attention? Why aren't you making it obvious that you're into me?" I became suspicious. It's funny how emotions can sometimes take us on a wild ride. Nonetheless, I shrugged off the discomfort, eagerly anticipating our arrival in Medellin, where we could finally be alone without the distractions of these other girls.
Once back in Medellin, everything returned to how it was before, with his undivided attention…but the girl from the eco-hostel showed up a day later. They ended up going out to dinner, and it was clear she was attracted to him. The next day, he admitted she had tried to initiate something intimate.
Was he trying to make me jealous? The next night we went out for dinner, and although it was romantic, I needed to know what he was truly seeking as I didn't want to waste my time. So, I asked him. And his response? He was in an open relationship and already had a "Mexican girlfriend" back in Mexico but he was open to having more girlfriends from different parts of the world. My heart didn't shatter, as a part of me had already sensed this possibility, but it was disheartening to learn that there was already someone else. My impulsive fantasies came crashing to a halt...
I knew that if I were on my own, I wouldn't be embarking on such thrilling adventures, —so I embraced the discomfort I craved surrendering to the unknown and letting the spirit of adventure guide me.
We continued, our journey led us to Santa Rosa Cabal, where we planned to explore the breathtaking thermal pools nestled in the San Vicente Reserva. After settling into the Kimana hostel, we gathered outside, sipping beers and engaging in animated card games with other guests from the hostel when our eyes locked across the table through an intense gaze he had. I knew he found me attractive, but he wasn't ready to verbalize it yet. I longed to leap over the table and passionately kiss him, which would inevitably lead us to have sex.
The following day at the thermal pools, he meticulously planned our activities, ensuring everything fell into place. I didn't have to lift a finger; all I needed to do was look cute and show up. He understood my needs—anticipating when I required nourishment, personal space, or quality time. This level of attunement continued throughout our journey together, and it deeply resonated with me. Being seen and understood in these ways spoke volumes to my heart. It was a love language of its own, and I was open to receiving it.
As we arrived at the hot springs, I was enthralled by the picturesque lush greenery, vibrant flowers, and the enchanting waterfalls peering through the backdrop. It felt like stepping into a romantic paradise. However, the romantic vibes weren't exactly between him and me. Look, I know I shouldn't let myself get caught up in the emotions, but when you sense someone's attraction towards you, even if they don't explicitly express it, it's hard not to crave more. This is my attachment trauma response .I found myself slipping into one of my pouty moods, longing for more attention.
In that frame of mind, I wandered down to the steam room nestled below one of the thermal pools. felt like I was at a sacred sweat lodge. While there, I took a moment for a prayer. At that instant, I wasn't particularly content being with someone I had feelings for, someone I desired a deeper connection with, but who wasn't emotionally available. In my heart of hearts, I longed for someone who could be fully present and dedicated to me alone, especially in such an intimate and breathtaking place like San Vicente.
I reached out to the universe, earnestly requesting that if he wasn't meant for me, he would be removed from my life, allowing me the space to attract the perfect partner who could meet my needs. Emotions welled up within me as I already sensed his swift departure from my life, and I wanted to cherish these final moments before the inevitable shift.
We embarked on one final journey together here in Colombia, traveling a few hours north from Santa Rosa Cabal to a charming little town called Salento. After a day or so, I told him I wanted us to part ways. I could see the devastation in his eyes. I opened up about my crush, expressing how with each passing day, I yearned to explore the depths of our connection. I no longer felt secure, and I was no longer willing to engage in my old codependent patterns to shield myself from the fact that he wasn't the right fit for me. I chose to operate from a place of empowerment rather than seeking comfort.
The funny yet telling part of it all was his response when I shared my feelings. He simply said, "I think you're really cool, and I admire how you help people." It was a moment that made me simultaneously want to cry and burst into laughter. Couldn't he take this moment more seriously? Instead of engaging further, I swiftly diverted the conversation and sought comfort in a refreshing shower to wash away the embarrassment.
The following day, I couldn't bear it any longer. I needed to remove myself from the equation. Observing his patience and care during the hike only intensified my feelings. Yes, I'll admit it, I thrive off attention but I no longer wanted to carry the weight of disappointment and the constant reminders of *cough cough* Bridgette. So, I said my goodbyes. He kindly offered to carry my bags to the bus station and we shared one last embrace before I boarded the bus.
"I hope to see you again, and maybe you can meet Bridgette," he said.
"No thank you," I replied with a polite smile.
As the bus began to pull away, I waved to him for the final time before settling into my seat. Tears streamed down my face. I put on some music, gazing out the window as if I were in a music video. I needed and wanted to feel every ounce of emotion in that moment. I found myself freeing myself from a cycle of not getting what I wanted. It was disheartening. He was almost perfect, but he didn't fulfill my deepest desires, and I knew it.
A couple of weeks later, I made my way to Bucaramanga, known as the extreme water sports capital of Colombia. On my way to the hostel, I got lost so I cut through a church courtyard to reach my destination, and to my astonishment, there he was, sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette.
I found myself face-to-face with the very person I had walked away from weeks before. I could sense the excitement in his eyes, the happiness of seeing me again. But my guard was up, and I couldn't reciprocate. I waited for him to stand up and at least hug me, but all he could do was look at me and smile. That was okay. I casually mentioned that I needed to find my hostel and continued on my way. I knew he was in the same city as me, and a part of me hoped he would reach out. Maybe I had set my expectations too high. In any case, he never did reach out.
By the time I departed from Bucaramanga, he had become nothing more than a fleeting fragment of my journey toward healing and self-discovery.
Coming up next week…
Arriving in Dibulla Colombia, I could sense that something was off right from the moment I set off on the journey to my new home for the next couple of weeks. The whole trip to the new place was filled with complications, inconveniences, and little obstacles here and there leaving me puzzled but still unaware of the forthcoming chaos. It was as if the universe was sending warnings, but I remained oblivious to the messages.
I had hoped for a tranquil retreat after everything I had just experienced. Little did I know that the climax of my journey was about to unfold, leaving me on the edge of heartbreak and aching for resolution. The collision of cultures and emotions was about to plunge me into a whirlwind of desire, secrets, and shattered dreams.
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Ajani Inez is a multidisciplinary healer and guide supporting individuals on their healing journey from the lasting effects of childhood trauma. Through her professions as a tarot reader, Kambo practitioner, and writer, she encourages individuals to recognize and restore healthy physical, mental, emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual factors within themselves.