When she arrived, it was like I never existed

I choose me, I'm sorry

Jul 10, 2023

Hey y’all,

One of the best parts about traveling is meeting new people. And if you’re single, meeting new lovers. However, when you’re in a new country, most people are looking for a good time and not a long time of commitment past the 3-day bachelor/bachelorette party they’re in town for.

A friend of mine recently met a guy abroad who had her sprung, but as we all know, those moments of lust while traveling are fleeting and happen in a specific time and place. After she left, she asked him how they could continue their relationship but he let her know he wasn’t interested in anything serious. She was devastated, but as we’ll see in this week’s story, having higher expectations for people than they have for you is a recipe for disaster.

This Week’s Story

As promised, we’re back with part two of last week’s story on the Colombian love saga from author Ajani Inez. If you missed part one, catch up here. One thing I’ve learned in this life is that when it comes to self-growth there are no losses, just lessons. And Ajani learns a shit ton of them. This story gets a little raunchy, so brace yourself if you’re not into explicit content.

Hope you enjoy,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree

Adventures Unknown: Learning To Choose Myself In Colombia (Pt. II)

by Ajani Inez

As I pushed forward the bamboo gates before me, letting myself in, I accepted my fate. I had hoped for a tranquil retreat after everything I had just experienced with the French guy; however, I had no choice but to be open to whatever experiences were to come my way during this trip. After taking a deep breath, I slowly made my way down the long, dirt rocky pathway that led to the hostel. And there, standing at the reception, was this guy, Carlos. He gave me a slightly strange and confused look as I approached the reception. I later found out that it was because he thought I was from the Pacific side of Colombia, where most Black Colombians reside, and he wondered what I was doing on the other side of the country.

Little did I know at the time that Carlos was about to turn my life upside down.

I don't know how Carlos and I ended up becoming close. I didn’t initially find him attractive, just saw him as one of the hostel staff. We would have fleeting moments but nothing too crazy, we barely spoke the same language as he was a Colombian who spoke fluent Spanish while I only spoke enough Spanish to get by. But somehow, we managed to bridge that gap and get to know each other.

There was another girl volunteering at the hostel, Lena. I noticed that he was often with her and I thought he might have found her attractive. Just one more reason for me to stay away and focus on myself, but for some reason, I couldn't help but notice small feelings of jealousy whenever I saw them together.

I tried my best to shake off these strange feelings, besides, I didn't come to this hostel to get involved with anyone, I just wanted to enjoy the empty spaces and the silence to heal and find ways to continue to call my power back from the Frenchman. However, these feelings only grew and made me curious about Carlos. I didn't realize the Universe was already orchestrating a divine intervention—a destined story that was purposefully planned. We were already in the beginning stages of playing out the script. Something that was never in our control to begin with.

After Lena left, Carlos and I became much closer, sharing beautiful intimate moments. We would sit close and look at the stars at night, cuddle up on the couch and listen to the storms when it was raining, or sometimes he would play with my hair and massage my head while I was lying down, and my favorite moment together was when we would share our favorite songs. Sharing music is one of my love languages.

I noticed something very familiar whenever I was around Carlos. He would give me the same look that the Frenchman would give me. A very deep, sensual look that wants more but is afraid to say so. The mask is what I call it.

I could tell that Carlos had budding feelings for me, and the way he intuitively responded to my needs like the French guy did only made it more obvious. But I had to step back and ask myself why I kept attracting men who were afraid to love me out loud.

I loved the attention I was getting from him, but I was afraid to let myself fully receive it because I knew that this "love" probably came with strings attached. Everything was going so smoothly and he was beginning to open up, but this little joy didn't last long. Rumor had it that a new male volunteer was arriving, but in the end, it was a Colombian female. I immediately knew that things were about to change and I would lose attention from Carlos, which was fine, it would allow me to see more of his true colors, but I had already found myself in a shallow pool of emotions for this Colombian man.

When the new volunteer, Claudia, arrived it was like I never existed. He was immediately attracted to her and was always around her, and as I usually do when I don't like how I feel in a situation, I leave, because why the hell would I stay in a situation that I know doesn't make me feel secure?

I made plans to leave, but I didn't have enough money in my bank to make the moves I wanted to make. My income had slowed down, I wasn't getting any gigs and because of this, I knew immediately that the Universe wanted me to stay. I find that the Universe will slow things down for me so that I have no choice but to sit and learn my lesson, and that's exactly what was happening. I needed to prepare myself.

One night, as I was sitting on the couch, I heard a glass clink on the coffee table in front of me. I looked up to see Carlos putting down a bottle of alcohol and asked if I wanted to drink. My emotions were all over the place and numbing them seemed like a great idea—I said yes.

That night, five of us gathered in the living room and played drinking games. I felt more relaxed and happy. The night was going well, but it escalated when the new volunteer, Claudia, spontaneously asked what everyone's favorite porn was. I could feel the change in the room. Everyone was immediately turned on. This conversation eventually led us to moments I will never forget. We all started dancing and making out with each other, things got hot fast. We ordered a second bottle and things got even wilder. The energy was very high and the sexual tension was very real, so we all made our way to a bedroom. Once inside the room, Carlos mentioned that he wanted to be with me and directed the other three to have a threesome on the bed across from us.

As I'm making out with Carlos, I notice that he keeps looking over at the others, not being fully present with me. I asked him to lie down and try to bring him back to being present with me, but he wasn’t getting aroused. He said he was too much in his head. What the hell was going on, I asked myself.

We moved to another room, but I could tell he was still out of it. but this is where things would take a turn for the worst. In the middle of intercourse, he stopped and told me he couldn't do it. He lay down next to me and confessed that he was in love with someone else, a girl named Caterina. I quickly pulled away from him and stared at him in confusion and disgust. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't me and that I was beautiful, that my body was beautiful, but his reassurances were no good. I was immediately taken back to all the times I had been rejected, all the times I had felt I wasn't good enough in the presence of another man. Despite all the alcohol I had just consumed, I snapped back into reality.

Did I just give myself to this man who then told me he couldn't have sex with me because he was in love with someone else? All this in a super vulnerable moment? But how could that be when you were just making out with other women, how could that be when you just said you wanted to have sex with me? How could that be?

I put on my robe and stormed out of the room, sobbing as I went back to my private room. It was hard to look at him after that night. He tried to comfort me several times, but I wanted nothing more from him.

Like PTSD, I was hurt to the core because this whole situation brought up so much pain and hurt from my past. I could feel my mind and body shutting down and tightening up. I kept asking myself why I wasn't good enough. From my past experiences, I was nothing more than someone to have sex with, but being rejected during sex took things to a whole new level for me. After that night, he tried to convince me that he had said those things out of his own stupidity, but I found it impossible to believe anything he said.

I saw how he was with the Colombian girl and it was like he loved her out loud. I felt like everyone could see that he had a thing for her, but when it came to me, our special moments were mostly shared in private. Why wasn't I good enough to be loved out loud? Why wasn't I good enough for you to choose me and me alone?

As time went on, the tension grew, I hated him, he reminded me of every single guy who was stupid enough to let me go.

Eventually, Claudia left, and I was very happy she did because my insecurities flew off the rails when she was around.

He tried to regain my love and attention by swatting away the mosquitoes while I sat outside, kissing my hands, or cooking me breakfast but he never got the same version of me again, and that bothered him. He told me he missed me and our friendship, but what he missed was the access he had to me while he was involved with other women. He was the type who liked to have his cake and eat it too.

But this was the lesson I needed to learn, to learn how to sit in the discomfort of things when I feel triggered. To learn how to validate and love myself more, to know that I am a queen who deserves it all. And not to give myself to someone who doesn't deserve me. And most of all, don't settle. If it is not something that makes you feel safe, stable, and secure, then leave it alone!

Of course, I hated that I had to learn my lesson this way, but I've come to learn and accept that not only does every person you meet come into your life for a reason, but that everything works out exactly the way it's supposed to.

What I've also learned is that I went through these situations because I have been asking for love. And in order for me to receive the love that I ask for, I have to align myself with that love. And sometimes that means I have to go through heartbreaking situations with people to learn how to love myself more, to learn how to feel safe, stable, and secure within myself. To be my best partner. To love myself out loud.

Shortly after Claudia left, another woman arrived, and I didn't have to predict how Carlos would react. I could feel my nervous system going back into fight or flight mode.

I couldn't take it anymore, I finally left the house because I felt that I had dealt with all the discomfort that I could and I did not want to see Carlos' face again. Once I was on the back of the moto leaving the hostel, I began to feel my power returning to me. I cracked a smile of liberation.

So, as I moved on from that hostel, I carried with me the lessons learned and a newfound determination to never settle for anything that doesn't make me feel safe, stable, and secure. I knew that by loving myself out loud, I would attract the love I truly desired.

And who knows what awaits me in the future? I'm ready to embrace new and improved things that come my way, knowing that I am worthy of the love I seek.

When she arrived, it was like I never existed

I choose me, I'm sorry

This Week’s Story

Adventures Unknown: Learning To Choose Myself In Colombia (Pt. II)

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