The Exhausting Cycle of Reinvention for Black Women Online

you just gotta keep getting better and better and better

Hey y’all,

I finally finished Love Island. That was, unexpectedly, one of the best reality dating TV show seasons I’ve ever seen. Yes, EVER. While everyone is extremely hot and easy on the eyes, these were genuinely some of the most genuine people I’ve seen on a dating show. I’m sure a bunch of them joined to get famous, but it didn’t interfere with their goals for finding love. And PPG?! Those gals are icons, and I’m so happy they all walked away with genuinely good dudes, and a poppin’ friendship trio!

I loved 95% of the cast (except for Aaron—be gone boy) and the way everyone approached their relationships seemed so authentic to how things happen in real life. When I published Jessica Onyemauche’s Love Island essay a few weeks back, I had to grit my teeth and stomach all the spoilers for y’all. At that point I was NOT feeling Serena, but I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and now I understand. Team Kordena for life!

Also, shoutout to everyone who entered my MAAME book giveaway! Congratulations are in order to

jalesa ann 🥀

who is the winner! I sent you an message here on Substack, please reach out to claim your prize.

This Week’s Story

Has anyone else noticed the uptick in “winter arc” content on social? I talked about it in last week’s letter, and writer Nobuhle N. Nyoni is back to really dive deep on why we feel the need to constantly reinvent ourselves. Spoiler alert: it’s exhausting. Also, blame the influencers per usual.

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Media

Always Becoming: The Exhausting Cycle of Reinvention for Black Women Online

by Nobuhle N Nyoni

In times of lack, we often dream of who we will become once the chapter passes. The accomplished versions of ourselves are inspired by the people we admire. The people standing in positions we covet like influencers and motivational speakers. We watch their style, the decor in their homes, and the cars they drive and convince ourselves that all these things make them great. So, we patiently work towards becoming the 'real' versions of ourselves.

Reinvention is the action or process through which something is changed so much that it appears to be entirely new. 

Theseus, a mythical king in Greek mythology, rescued the children of Athens, and escaped with them on a ship now known as the Ship of Theseus. The ship became a symbol of honor amongst the Athenians. After hundreds of years, with the vessel undergoing maintenance and each piece replaced, the question became, 'Is it the same ship?' This thought experiment has been applied to the study of identity over time. (Seriously, is it the same ship?)

The desire to be accepted by a caliber of people we deem admirable fuels our desire for reinvention. Unfortunately, the reinvention process is dependent on material worth. It revolves around changing the way we present ourselves. We subconsciously attach ourselves to lifestyles that don’t define us. Whether our cosmetics, fashion sense, or the neighborhoods we choose to live in. You may be thinking, 'But change is inevitable.' Yes, it is. The question is, who are you changing for?

If I were to ask you what your favourite color was, you would name it in a few seconds. If I were to follow up with the question, 'What colors are you adding to your wardrobe this year,' the chances of that answer being orange, blue, beige, or green are very high. Do you know why? Because those are the colors of the year according to fashion experts. When the experts get the word out, the manufacturers get creative before alerting the magazines and news outlets. Once the curiosity is peak, the influencers jump on the wagon because their bank depends on relevance.

If we could get a penny for every video captioned, 'Black girls in orange,' we would never talk about the cost of living again. We have become so accustomed to influencer culture that we can't differentiate between our needs and wants. Before you know it, you have checked out on a cart you dont need, and your haul is on the way. They are called influencers for a reason, and their word is important to us, so we go out and hope that in orange clothing, we can conquer the world. 

I, too, have fallen victim to this. The pervasiveness of influencer culture convinced me that I needed to have the latest fashion trends in my wardrobe, otherwise I would be left behind. I tried to live by this and found myself with a wardrobe with pieces of clothing that didn’t suit my body type. The compliments I received from people were always nice but meant very little because on most days I was not comfortable in the thinly veiled clothing that displayed my humps and lumps for the world to see. I wish I had spent that money on flowy dresses and mules to appease my soul. 

In one of her videos, Haruno Nakagawa, a TikTok creator, said, 'Do you want that thing? Or do you want people to see that you have it?' The latter is true for so many of us. We want to accumulate things because they qualify us into circles. There is unspoken respect that comes with owning an iPhone. The opposite is true for a person with a Samsung, even if it costs the same amount as the iPhone. We crave the respect we receive for material things because it feels 'easier' to get.

Influencer culture crept in on us years ago when we wanted the clothes that celebrities wore, their hairstyles and the cars they drove. We fell in love with the snippets of the lives they showed us in music videos and shows like MTV Cribs. It has become our norm, we trust the quality of a product or service when an influential individual talks about it. 

The pandemic may have heightened this. According to this study, online sales increased by 43% in 2020. The pandemic was a season of silence for many of us— we were all confined to our homes. And for others, it was a season of chatter as they were surrounded by family. The common denominator was that we had enough time to reinvent. If we are being honest, reinvention and healing were the themes of that dark season of our lives.We had time to look ourselves in the mirror and decide that we wanted to lose weight. We sat still and questioned our relationships, childhood experiences and where we were in our lives. We watched Tik Tok challenges like the famous Don’t Rush challenge and checked out carts so we could join in on the fun. But the power of influence played out way more than we imagined.

Scarily enough, influencer culture also dictates where we hang out, what we eat, how we eat, the bodies we must live in, and who we date. The psychology checks out. One of the psychological pillars of influencer culture is Informational Social Influence, defined as the change in opinion or behaviour that occurs when we conform to people we believe have accurate information.

I remember reading a newsletter by Tobi Oredein, the founder of Black Ballad, where she spoke about muting influencers that had power over her purchases. I loved her honesty because she admitted to the part she plays in money leaving her account whilst also showing us the power of influencer culture. “We have endless conversations (and rightly so) about the unhealthy physical pressures social media puts on us, particularly women, and let's not even get into the pressures of snapping back to a body that looks like it never even grew a human in the first place.” I related to this quote from her newsletter because I had also found myself obsessed with getting perfect skin. All I did was watch content around skincare routines and convinced myself I needed every product that was being praised until I realised how unrealistic it is to believe people whose videos are heavily edited. Yes, I needed a skincare routine, but I did not need every magical product. In fact, I ended up going for a brand that was affordable and barely had as much noise on the internet. It worked! 

Religious consumption of the content builds trust between us and the person behind the screen. Trust is what trips us into a personal connection, which can dizzy us into working towards becoming a part of the pack. Cue, reinvention. In most cases, being part of the pack means living by their beliefs, values, tips, and advice.

The dominoes fall quickly, and our human desire to belong rings loud. But the inevitable happens. We wake up one day feeling out of place even though we are now a part of a community. The clothes, furniture, makeup, and solo-cations just aren't enough. And with the ever-changing trends, who knows how often you have to change things to keep up with your new-found community? Exhaustion is bound to catch up. It feels like something is missing, still. And that's because something is missing. You!

Reinvention is not a negative. The reason behind it is what truly matters. Unfortunately, we compare ourselves to one another so much that we fail to see the beauty in ourselves. We reinvent ourselves into oblivion, and traces of ourselves disappear because we are convinced we don’t fit into the pack.

Comparison is the death of confidence. -Unknown

I know most of this article has made it seem like I am fighting against influencer culture, but I am not. Our lives revolve around influence, and this has been true for centuries. However, we do have the power of choice. We get to choose who we follow and how much influence they pour into us.

And maybe it's time we audited the influencers we followed. Do they align with who we are? Or do they align with the imaginary life we have created? Fantasies have a tragic way of falling apart and leaving us feeling empty. Do the things that keep you alive, with or without the influence.

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Nobuhle N Nyoni is a Zimbabwean writer, podcaster, web designer and virtual assistant with a boundless love for storytelling. She has written for publications such as Black Ballad, TAP Magazine, Metro UK and Adventures From. Nobuhle's portfolio boasts of topics such as sex & sexuality, relationships, sexual minorities, and podcasting in Africa. Recently, she launched Young & Oversharing, a newsletter for young women figuring it out one mistake at a time.