Do you or others decide if you're beautiful?

it's getting harder to make the distinction

Jul 15, 2024

Hey yall,

Over the past few weeks, we’ve shifted from the theme of “Letting Go” to “Beauty”. This is our final theme in the themed summer story series! I loved getting to see all your pitches and takes on admittedly vague topics. Let’s do it again next summer, yeah?

I can’t think of a more controversial topic for Black women in the 2020s than beauty. It is thrust into our faces daily, whether we have it or not, and even if we don’t care if we do, we’re made painfully aware of it against our will. Social media constantly introduces us to new beauty standards like cottage-core or “clean girl aesthetic,” We’re not sure if we should become fitness girlies or get a BBL, and even though way more of us wear our natural hair, we still get told (by Black women, mind you) that without lashes, wigs, and a certain aesthetic, we’re not good enough. It’s exhausting, and many of us have lost the plot on who we’re even doing all of this for.

This Week’s Story

Lia Miller is back! Last time she wrote for us she was adamant about raising her children overseas. This time, she’s questioning both her own beauty standards and society’s. To facilitate this conversation, Lia spoke to relationship expert Sonya Beletti on her tips for balancing your perception of your own beauty with what you might be hearing externally. This is our first-ever published interview and I’m so grateful for the conversation Lia and Sonia share here.

I hope you enjoy!

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Mag

Who Decides Our Standard of Beauty?

by Lia Miller

I’ve always been overly concerned with my looks.

From my teens into my early twenties, I would pore over fashion and beauty magazines, and watch every cosmetic move the beautiful, rich, and famous made. I cared too much about what people, especially boys, said about me. I cared more about looking good to others than I did about looking good for myself. Years later when I thought about having children of my own, I knew I had to take back the narrative about my idea of what makes one beautiful and listen to myself over the opinions and perspectives of others. I wanted to “practice what I preached” and model healthy behaviors in the name of self-love, self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-confidence.

Learning to set your own beauty standards is even more important now with the omnipresence of social media, that bombards us all 24/7, and holds disproportionate influence over the minds, choices, and self-perceptions of today’s youth.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” right? True, if it means that "beauty" requires the acknowledgment or validation of someone else to determine what is considered beautiful. Unfortunately, for many of us, this statement has always been accepted.

However, we are now in the era of body positivity, where non-conforming beauty is becoming more appreciated, and BBLs, once highly desired, are now being reconsidered. Many women, including those in the public eye like K. Michelle, Blac Chyna, and others, are starting to push back on long-held beauty ideals and actively remove their BBLs and other physical enhancements. There are many reasons why women (and men) seek physical enhancements, and in the examples of women returning to a more natural aesthetic, they’re in turn also returning to doing what makes them feel and look better on their own terms.

So, what if beauty is in the eye of the person being beheld? I am so tired of the proliferation of podcasts and online shows pitting men against women with topics that end up tearing down women’s appearances. They refer to women as “high value” and “low value” or “high quality” and “low quality,” but aren’t we all women?

There was one program comprised of four men (including the host) and four women. The host asked each panelist to rate themselves on a scale of 1-10. The women rated themselves first, and then the men rated themselves. Most of the women rated themselves at a seven or higher while the men’s ratings varied between the 4-8 range. This was not the problem. What I took issue with was when the women who fell outside of traditional beauty norms rated themselves more highly, the men immediately and viciously critiqued them and attempted to breakdown her self-score, forcing her to defend her reasoning.

The question: why does it matter what the men or even what the other women on the panel think? If someone thinks they’re an eight, then they’re an eight. Why do they need someone else to tell them how good they look? This is the danger of societal beauty norms, which are often unrealistic and destructive. It takes power from the hands of the individual and puts it into the hands of the group.

After watching and listening to a series of podcasts of this nature, which left me feeling deflated and frustrated, and to help clarify my thinking about the dynamics of self-perceptions vs. societal perceptions of beauty, what makes a person attractive, and who gets to define what is beautiful, I reached out to relationship expert Sonya Belletti, LCSW and Coach. Belletti addresses these questions and offers her expert tips and advice on how to push back in healthy, self-affirming, and constructive ways against unrealistic and conforming beauty standards.

1) Can you believe something about your appearance that others might not agree with? If so, how do you protect yourself from feeling societal pressure to conform to its beauty standards?

Historically, the definition of beauty has been influenced by cultural norms, media portrayals, and commercial interests. Ideally, beauty should be defined in more inclusive and holistic terms, recognizing the diversity of human features, qualities, and more importantly, who the person is. Expanding this definition helps embrace different forms of beauty and reduces the focus on narrow, often unattainable beauty ideals.

It is common for individuals to have personal perceptions of their appearance that differ from external viewpoints. To protect oneself from societal pressures and naysayers, it is crucial to cultivate a strong sense of self-worth and self-acceptance. Building a supportive community that reinforces positive self-images and challenges societal norms can also shield individuals from negative influences. Practicing self-compassion and regularly engaging in activities that affirm one’s value beyond physical appearance are essential strategies to move beyond traditional definitions.

2) Does third party perspective matter in the formation of one's opinion of themselves and their looks?

Third-party perspectives matter simply because they exist. Of course, it would be wonderful if we could ignore the perfectly curated airbrushed photos that influence one's self-image, especially in a society that places high importance on appearance. While these images provide great entertainment they also lead to negative self-perceptions if they reinforce unrealistic beauty standards. It is important for individuals to critically assess the sources of these perspectives and prioritize internal validation over external validation.

3) How is what is considered beautiful defined versus how should it be defined?

Societal definitions of beauty have often been narrow, prioritizing certain body types, features, and skin tones over others. Ideally, beauty should be defined in inclusive and diverse terms, recognizing the wide range of human appearances. Shifting the definition towards a broader spectrum that values individual uniqueness and inner qualities over mere physical characteristics (which we see so many people choosing to change nowadays) can help reduce the stigma and pressure associated with conventional beauty standards.

4) Why is a woman's value in society based more on how she looks than who she is and seemingly the opposite for men? How can we change this?

This question alone can be its own article! One of my favorite books is “The Book of Woman” from OSHO. I mirror OSHO’s perspective that these standards are distractions to shift women away from their power. For me, as I have gotten older and less concerned about the outside world, I feel more empowered and like I am truly getting to know myself beyond what I look like. The emphasis on women's appearance over their abilities or character stems from long-standing gender norms and stereotypes that objectify women. I would like to go back in time and give that person a swift kick in the kneecap if I could. Men have also suffered from these belief systems where they struggle with their socially determined roles. We also see more men undergoing cosmetic surgeries and bone lengthening surgeries to fit within the standards of beauty. Beauty standards do not harm only women as these standards are ingrained in all children, regardless of race or gender.

5) What are some healthy ways to push back against the negative beauty standards society dictates and foster a more positive sense of self?

Advocating for media representation that showcases a diverse range of body types, skin colors, and ages is crucial. On a personal level, focusing on body positivity and self-care routines that prioritize well-being over appearance can foster a healthier self-image. Additionally, engaging in early dialogues with children that focus on who they want to versus what they want to be when they grow up will go a long way in shifting away from the external.

6) What advice and tips can you offer for how to foster a healthy sense of beauty and how to avoid societal pressure and unrealistic beauty standards?

Fostering a healthy sense of beauty involves embracing one's authentic self and recognizing the intrinsic worth that goes beyond physical appearance. Some tips include:

Limiting exposure to media that perpetuates unhealthy beauty ideals.
Practicing mindfulness and gratitude for one’s body and its capabilities.
Engaging in positive affirmations that reinforce self-love and acceptance.
Seeking out role models who advocate for body positivity and diversity.
Start early in childhood to highlight abilities over looks.
Engaging in self-care practices that focus on mental and physical health rather than appearance.
Advocating for and supporting brands and initiatives that promote realistic and inclusive beauty standards.

7) Anything you would like to address or cover?

It is essential to address the role of social media in shaping beauty standards. While it can be a platform for positive change, social media often exacerbates pressures regarding appearance. Encouraging critical media literacy to discern and question the authenticity and intentions behind beauty images and messages shared online can help mitigate these pressures. It is also crucial to address how beauty standards are not only across gender issues but also intersect with race, age, and body type, creating a complex web of discrimination and privilege. An inclusive approach in discussing and defining beauty standards can help lessen the emotional and physical turmoil that many suffer trying to fit into societal norms.