Would You Pack Up & Move Cities On A Whim For Love?

sings what you won't doooo for love

Aug 19, 2024

Hey y’all,

After much peer pressure, the time has come when I can officially announce (finally) that I’ve…started watching Love Island. It’s been years of avoidance and denial, but I have only been putting off what was always meant to be.

I’m about 5 episodes into the latest season of the US version, and to be honest, I’m a bit underwhelmed. I was expecting the ultimate dating show—the one that puts the likes of Love Is Blind, The Bachelor, and Married at First Sight to shame. But so far, the cast and drama aren’t even holding a candle to the OGS, let alone some of the newer dating shows like Netflix’s Perfect Match (which I just finished watching and 😙🤌 with the antics).

I accidentally started watching Love Island UK first. I watched about three episodes of that but had to cut it off after one of the castmates merely kissed another on the terrace, causing an internal uproar for the entire episode—GASP! Maybe I’m old-school, but if there isn’t some sort of salacious scandal (that involves much more than kissing) by episode 3, I’m out. Because what exactly are we here for?

I have been hearing about all the post-Love Island US shenanigans the cast has been getting into since the show ended (yes, I’ve seen Kendall’s entire pole and back hole on Twitter against my will). So far, that has been keeping me excited to actually finish all, what seems like, 147 episodes. Wish me luck!

Did you watch Love Island UK or US? What are your thoughts? Sound off below!

This Week’s Story

Would you move cities for a relationship? In last week’s letter, I spoke about the hate an influencer received for moving cities for “love.” But this is normal; in fact, this week’s South African writer, Jackie Chikambure, did just that. The stakes are a bit higher given she’s married, but she and her husband hit a rut and needed a major change. Enter the Goldilocks Experiment and the search for a perfect home.

Enjoy,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Mag

The Goldilocks Experiment: How Moving Cities Rekindled My Marriage

by Jackie Chikambure

It didn’t happen all at once, but the moment I uttered the words “That’s it, let's sell everything and move cities,” my world changed.

I’m not typically a spontaneous woman. I like to color within the lines and know the next steps, but I’d had it. I felt like my marriage was coming to a crushing end, work was overwhelming, and life in general was feeling stagnant. I come from a traditional African family. I was taught to go to school, get a job, get married, and settle down—nothing wrong with this life, but in that moment, I realized it just wasn’t enough for me. I’d spend days fantasizing about the freedom of leaving the bustle of the city and living life by the beach, and suddenly I knew I had no other choice – I had to move. Yes, I had a full-time job, yes, my family lives in this city, yes, I had a gym membership locked in for the next two years, and no, we had no savings to speak of, but after a stiff drink, I shared the idea with my husband of 8 years. He stared at me and emphatically said, “Yes.”

July 2023: The logistics and Fam-fare

We were doing it; we were taking the plunge. If you have ever dreamt about drastically changing your life and ‘leaving it all behind’ then you know how sweet that vision is. It's glorious. But I also want to share a peek into some of the other logistics and less talked about decisions that come with it, especially the one about where you’re actually going to live.

I chose the coastal city of Durban. I had been to Durban a couple of times on holiday with my parents, but I’d never lived here. What did I know about Durban? Well, it is in the eastern part of South Africa, was established 199 years ago, and has a good mix of races, the majority being Black and Indian. It’s the not-so-loved cousin of the glamorous and cosmopolitan Cape Town thanks to its abundance of rural lands and a smaller tourist population. This made it perfect for us.

We needed a drastically positive change, and finding the right place to live was crucial to that. Places have different energies that vibrate through them. Have you ever felt that? You travel to a popular, building-filled city and your attitude changes. You may be a little tense, and everything feels rushed. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; some people live for the thrill as it keeps their lives interesting. Or, you can visit a small city, and everything about that place makes you feel warm and peaceful. How often do you prioritize the energy of the city or neighborhood you are moving to?

My hubby and I were determined on being intentional about what energy we surround ourselves with and finding the right neighborhood through the Goldilocks Experiment.

The Goldilocks Experiment (not a real experiment, but just the name I call this practice), is when you travel to a new city and stay in different AirBnBs in different neighborhoods you’re interested in until you find the place that feels just right. Once you do, you make that your home.

The Goldilocks Experiment

We sold most of our furniture to cover the finances and stored the rest. Luckily, I transitioned to fully remote work without losing my job. We had two weeks to make the move, and quickly shared the news with our family whose reviews ranged between mixed feelings and shock. I naively expected overwhelming support, but instead, I was met with doubt and questions, making me feel like an untrusted teenager. This threw me into an emotional rollercoaster, making our departure bittersweet. No one warned me about the emotional challenges of leaving everything familiar for a city where we knew no one.

Despite wanting our family to be excited, I understood their worry stemmed from love. My feelings were rooted in my own insecurities and fears about the drastic move, and I couldn't handle any more doubt. With four suitcases, laptop bags, and dreams between us, my hubby and I said goodbye to the city of gold, Johannesburg, and headed to Durban in the province of Kwazulu Natal.

August 2023: Welcome to Durban!

The first home we stayed in honestly tricked us. Well, tricked me, because I booked in a rush. While the ocean was close, you couldn’t easily get to it unless you walked up and down a steep hill! From the map, it looked like it was a stone's throw away. I thought we were going to stay right by the beach—lesson learned. Also, the accommodation was just one room. We were welcomed by a larger-than-life woman into her home where she lived with her sweet grandson, a long-term Airbnb guest, a friend in the garage behind the house, and two adorable, biting puppies. Nope, this was not going to work.

In a twisted way, staring at each other all day in this one room is what we needed. The space drove us crazy, but forced us to talk and connect. We shared our frustrations about our marriage, our lives, and what we both wanted long-term. After the most tumultuous start, in the confines of that small room, we began to draw closer. I decided to live a more determined life. I stopped drinking, dropped the junk food, and started listening to self-improvement books at each new place we would stay in.

Decision: The neighborhood was farm-like, which can be charming, but this was not what we were looking for. Scratch Home 1, Neighborhood 1, off the list.

From this lesson, I then created my Goldilocks Criteria for the perfect home and hood: the neighborhood people should be welcoming, near the beach, must be the entire apartment (can’t do one room again!), quiet but not remote with a healthy hint of a bustle, and must feel like home.

Everyone should have a list like this, focused on what matters to them. Here are some of the places we stayed, some photos, and the self-improvement book I read at each place. I would honestly write a whole series on this, but for now, we will settle for snapshots, which I hope will inspire you if you ever want to take the leap and move.

Home 2, Neighborhood 2: The one with the stairs

Books: (Un)stuck & The Happiness Makeover by Dr. Sophie Mort. Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins

The second place we stayed at was called Oceanview. Yes, from the name I made sure this time there was water close by, and it did not disappoint! It was amazing. Funny, it also had long stairs to the beach (133 in total), but I did not mind this one. The Airbnb did not have a kitchen though! So we gained a lot of weight eating out (note to self for the Goldilocks Criteria—needs kitchen). Though the neighborhood was great and people were friendly, it felt too suburban, so we scratched it off the list.

Home 3, Neighborhood 3: The one I had 2 milestones in.

Books: The Power of Now, Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle, Boundaries: When to say Yes and When to Say No by Henry Cloud

Although we stayed in a neighborhood right next to the last one, this one had a different air about it. The space was incredible. No sea views, but the place hosted an escape room (which we failed to escape!) It was a quirky home, with a giant chess set as a table.

Two major things happened here, which is why I will always hold a soft spot for it. I turned 35 here, and it is where I held my published book for the first time. While I reached major milestones here, the neighborhood was inconsistent with its lovely oceanside and its industrial, not-so-pretty side. We moved on.

Home 4: The One

Books: Never Finished by David Goggins. Do Epic Shit by Ankur Warinkoo. The Mountain is Me by Brienne Weiss

From the moment we drove into this small, quaint town, fondly known as Toti, we felt at home. We fell in love with this neighborhood after testing it out on Airbnb. A month later, we started our house hunt to find the right place, and we did! From our new home, we can walk right out the front door, less than 300 meters, and there is the beach. The people are the best here: chatty, friendly, with a laid-back nature about them. There is a promenade outside with a bustling little market on the weekends where vendors sell art and other curiosities.

As I write this, I can hear the sound of the lapping ocean in the background. So much has changed in such a short amount of time. I am pregnant, and my hubby and I have never been happier. I am writing more, I am meeting incredible people every week, and I sleep to the sound of the ocean. If you had told me 6 months ago that this would be my life, I would have laughed you out of the room. I am living the life I designed for myself, and I believe this is what we all deserve. When you aren’t sure of where and who you want to be, give the Goldilocks Experiment a try—try different things until you find the one that’s just right! You might just find a new life you’re in love with.