Why doesn't anyone warn us about marriage?
I thought we were unique
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Hey y’all,
Do you know the non-negotiable characteristics someone must have to date you?
Like, you wouldn’t even entertain a first date with this person if they didn’t have these things?
Earlier last year, after another Hinge-run that produced more time-wasting negroes than actual serious men, I told myself I had to get serious. So, I did what I usually do when I wanna get serious: read books. An influencer I follow recommended Shan Boodram’s book, “The Game of Desire,” and I learned about the Frozen-Five Factors. These are the five characteristics we NEED in a partner. And the most intense part—she highly recommends that you don’t go on a first date with the person until you know that they have these five things 🙃
This, along with a few other books, helped me set the foundation for dating intentionally, and I mean… ya girl is happily booed up now so it works! Check out the video I shared on our Instagram page to learn how to find your five:
This Week’s Story
The subject line for this email is pulled directly from this week’s story by South African writer Athina May. What a question. To warn is to signal pending danger, incite fear, or make wary of. Not quite the loving, duty-filled commitment we typically associate with marriage, but maybe we should? While you might have done everything from identifying your frozen five to dating with intention, people gon’ people, and you never know when someone’s true colors might show—even when you’re married.
Take care,
Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree
From Vietnam to Bali: Love, Divorce, and Prayer In Your 30s
by Athina May
Like a deep breath, letting go can feel like a weight off your shoulders that sharply falls onto your heart.
Like open heart surgery, using a fine-edged scalpel, I begin to dissect the memories and experiences with my ex-husband so finely intertwined in my heart.
Carefully and with sweat on my brow, I remove his scent 'snip', presence 'snip-snip,' and his touch 'snip-snip-snip'—with no anesthetic on hand.
Oh, it’s painful, and at times, it feels like it just doesn't end—stopping your heart as you watch a couple walking by or accidentally seeing a show you used to watch together. But this is what happens when you give your heart to a man and then take it back
So where did it all start for me?
I’m going to fast forward from one Tinder date in Vietnam (yes I said Tinder) and four years later to our wedding day in picturesque Bali.
The wedding
Here in one of the most romantic settings in the world, I said ‘I Do’ to the love of my life and my ‘forever partner’ who I thought would see me through all the bad things in life, namely bad weather, cellulite, and morning breath.
Tall, square-jawed, and with dark, stubbly hair contrasting against his soft skin, his beauty enamored and intrigued me for four long years. We managed to survive the COVID-19 lockdown without killing each other, so I thought I had seen all sides of him. But alas, I was wrong.
Soon the glasses came off and the stubble turned into a full-on beard, occasionally filled with cookie crumbs. And that square jaw became lost under a double chin that would release squared world views from a square man who wanted me square in the kitchen cooking for him while he did not provide.
The weight of my vows suddenly felt like chains, binding me to an anchor slowly pulling me to the bottom of the ocean.
My husband became someone I no longer recognized.
What happened?
Dating had stopped, hygiene was, apparently, optional and my voice was no longer heard.
“Why doesn't anyone warn us about marriage?" I asked my mom after four months of wedded 'bliss,' when the dread began to set in and I realized that the honeymoon phase was not on the cards for us.
"Well, you saw my marriage to your father as an example, and you watched countless movies that showed you what marriage was like. You're not stupid. You knew,” she retorted.
She was right.
I knew. But I thought we were unique and different.
Two foreigners, a South African and an Iranian, find each other in Vietnam. We were bound for adventure and excitement, not settling in the suburbs and going to our kid's boring school meetings like those American movies portrayed.
I saw what everyone else’s marriage was like but I was convinced that marriage was what you made of it and ours would be different.
Suddenly, my mind conjured images of Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don't Know How She Does It, juggling kids and a man, or Miranda from Sex and the City, looking miserable and trying to avoid going home.
It dawned on me that I was stuck on romanticizing Carrie chasing Big and all the other loved-up characters at the beginning of their journey, blinded to the reality after the romance when Big took off his suit and probably sat on the couch eating Cheetos off his bare belly while farting loudly.
Maybe not Big, but this is exactly what I was greeted to a few months after my wedding and my heart sank to my chest.
What had I done?
I felt like I bought an itchy Christmas sweater that I would have to spend the rest of my entire life wearing as punishment.
Not to sound superficial, but it was not just the physical looks that changed, suddenly everything that was a ‘small issue’ before marriage reared its ugly head into view and became impossible to ignore.
What felt like love suddenly became suffocating and I struggled to breathe.
Glue and sticky tape
We tried to fix it.
We tried counseling and even spoke about sex (without doing it), and although we loved each other and still do, it became apparent that the things we wanted before marriage and the future we once agreed upon were no longer of interest to either of us.
That's how we decided to end our journeys and go our separate ways on Christmas day. Tra-la-la-la-laaaa-la-la-la-laaaaa
With a Christmas tree filled with presents that none of us cared to open. We sat silent on our gray couch looking out the window unto the sullen sky wondering how our lives came to this.
As someone from a traditional background, this was not an easy decision. It came with the weight of disappointing God, not to mention my parents, his parents, and worst of all, myself.
I thought I was stronger and of the stock that ‘stuck by’ their partner for better or worse… but marriage showed me a side of me I never knew existed. And it was ugly.
But getting to know myself and learning who I truly am, warts and all, is something important and something I knew I had to do alone.
As for the forgiveness from my parents and God, they’ve proven to love me through it all, I couldn’t be more grateful.
The disappointment and shame I carried were extremely heavy, and the whole divorce process was as scary as I thought it would be. However, having gone through the fire, I believe I have emerged stronger.
Prayer has been my pillar throughout the emotional and spiritual journey of healing. Praying, journaling, and surprisingly, finding inspiration in Instagram quotes from sisters going through a similar journey to mine, kept me going.
I've learned that letting go requires doing so repeatedly. It doesn’t happen all at once, and then you're fine. I have many days of not being fine—self-doubt, loneliness, and the need for comfort. This is when I put my strategy into play.
Phone a friend
Self-proclamations confirming my self-worth and that I am enough
Prayer
Journaling
Sad movies to cry along to
And, of course, Junk food
I’ve learned that there needs to be order and structure to get over emotional hurdles. A logical solution for an emotionally unstable day.
My journey to self-healing is still underway, and over time hard days will be few and far between. Eventually, I’ll be able to stand on my feet with strength and positive and negative memories of the past and have no need to run towards them.
I’m a Woman. I’m South African. I’m a journalist. I’m on a journey of self-discovery.
The above colors my worldview and influences my storytelling. However, my true journey extends beyond the words I craft. It’s a journey of self-discovery, love, and freedom.
What I do doesn’t define or confine me. I am a woman discovering her power learning to trust and value her voice above others and learning to be kind to myself, reminding myself to find love and liberation in my radiant skin.
My mother told me when I was younger - marriage is like going to the market and buying a wrapped-up snack, and whatever you see in it is yours. But that is for her generation that stayed in loveless marriages through the years of nonsense.