We will never be who we were, or who we are now again

Which is oddly comforting

May 20, 2024

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Hey y’all,

It’s mental health awareness month and with that, it’s time to talk about Black millennial women’s favorite topic: therapy! In this week’s story, writer Kara Little from New Jersey is going through a common experience a lot of us have dealt with over the past year or two—losing our jobs. With her career identity stripped from her in an instant, Kara decided to leave the “woe is me” narrative behind and try something for herself for a change. We all deserve to be heard, seen, and understood. If you need to talk with someone about anything from trauma, relationships, anxiety, stress, sexuality, and anything else you can think of that you would love someone to work through with you, use this resource to find a local therapist in your area. Let’s continue to destigmatize therapy for Black people.

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Media

I Lost My Job So I Went to Therapy For The First Time

by Kara Little

I lost my job in October 2023.

My whole life, I had been planning to go to school to go to college. I went to college to get a good job.

I worked all the way up to that good job, and I lost it.

I spent over 20 years of my life planning for something and working towards this specific goal, and I lost it.

I felt like I did not plan for this part of my life, or really anything afterwards, and I had no idea what would be next in store. What was I, an unemployed 25 year old living with their parents in my hometown, going to do? My viewpoint of life had completely changed and I had no idea how to move forward.

There’s always been this lingering feeling in my life that I wasn’t enough - I wasn’t smart enough, working hard enough, doing enough.

I felt sorry for myself. Work was the only thing that made me feel like I had any worth. Now that I had no job, I didn’t have anything I was working for or towards. I looked back at all those extracurriculars I did in high school: all those PSAT classes, the tutoring, the honors classes, the AP exams—I worked so hard for a lot of my life, and for what, only to still feel like a failure.

After a lot of self-wallowing, I realized I now had 40 hours of my week completely open. I decided this period of my life would be a transition. A transition into the next phase. I may not be able to live up to society’s idea of career-driven productivity for the moment, but I knew it was time to be productive in my own way.

I started freelance writing a bit more, cooking new recipes, and even going to the gym a few days a week. I slowly started the job hunt by updating my resume and portfolio.

I was experiencing a lot of change and preparing for a life that I hadn’t planned for. I’ve thought about therapy for many years, but this felt like the perfect time to start that too.

I had no idea how to find a therapist who was right for me. I thought about how sometimes in life I’ve been so scared to do things just because I didn’t know all the steps to accomplish it before I started. But I’ve learned that, in order to get something done that you’ve never done before, you just have to start.

So I sat on my bed, opened up my old college laptop, and literally looked up “how to find a therapist nj” on Google. I scrolled and found a website called Psychology Today. I looked through the website to find someone that met all my preferred needs: Black, took virtual appointments, and took my insurance. I didn’t really know what else I wanted or needed.

I found three that I thought fit all those needs, so I reached out via email and ended up speaking to two of them on the phone.

The first office that I spoke to was really kind. At least, the person at the front desk was. We discussed my needs and why I’ve turned to therapy, which was great. However, I was thrown off because I didn’t speak to my anticipated counselor about the issues first. I wanted to feel seen and heard, not like another patient. Plus, it turned out they actually did not take my insurance, and the out-of-network prices were crazy. I wasn’t doing that.

I spoke to the second therapist I reached out to personally, unlike someone at the front desk. She asked why I wanted to be in therapy and what problems I wanted to tackle.

I explained as she listened and explained her areas of expertise, the insurance she takes, and how typical sessions would go.

After this conversation, I felt like I had just gotten off the phone with a friend or someone I met at a concert that I actually wanted to get to know more about afterwards.

It was then that I knew who I wanted to start my therapy journey with.

I started therapy in the fall, around the end of October, I believe, and I spend about 50 minutes once a week discussing anything I want.

The first session I had with my therapist was very much an intro to reiterate what I said on my screening call to be sure this would be the right counseling for me.

I answered questions as if I already knew what was to come. I treated it like an interview (for some reason), making sure to answer to the best of my ability.

However, by the end of the session, I logged off, tearing up. I had never had anyone ask me questions about my feelings so intently, to the point where I truly felt like someone was finally listening and getting it.

The past few months have been a challenge that’s been worth taking.

I’m pretty closed off, and I really don’t like to open up to others. The feeling of being vulnerable is so uncomfortable, and I realized I liked being in control of what others see. In my own personal journey in therapy, I realized how many negative traits and ways of thinking I had to unlearn.

I was already aware of my insecurities, but I realized how much they were affecting my life. My friendships, my career, and so much more. The themes that constantly arose were my tendencies to please people who don’t even know who I am or how to advocate for myself. I’ve spent my life living to make others happy, and now that I’m an adult with no job that is expected to navigate their own path, I feel lost.

“What am I supposed to do now?” was the question ringing in my brain. I needed some type of direction from somewhere to know I was doing the right thing and I was following all the rules in life, because I’ve never really thought to do things my way. Through my sessions, I’ve learned how comfortable I am being sad and putting myself down because it’s always motivated me to want more and do more.

But through a life-altering moment like losing my job and going to therapy, I learned that nothing in life is permanent and I need to cater to myself. I need to finally make my life my own. I’ve attached my worth to my successes—my education, my intelligence, my ability to make others comfortable, and anything else I could “brag” about. Therapy’s allowed me to understand that life is my own journey and it’s okay to not know what direction you’re going in. It does not fix everything all at once on its own. You have to put in the work to be vulnerable. Counseling really only works as much as you want it to. You’re worthy of a beautiful, happy life, regardless of what you’re doing with it.

A beautiful friend told me this recently, as I was discussing my new take on mental health, and it was the perfect way to describe therapy: “Even though we as people can be self aware, it’s typically only about our past. How could we’ve been better in school, in our last relationship, at that last job? Therapy helps you to be self aware of your actions, your thoughts, and your life now and in the present.”

We spend so much time focused on the past and the future, that we never think about the present. Before therapy, I was always implementing solutions in my life for past versions of myself, but I was never satisfied with who I am now.

Change is inevitable, and we will never be who we were, or who we are now again. Life throws so many curveballs your way, and although therapy can’t prevent them from happening, it can certainly keep you prepared.

Therapy has me staying ready so I don’t have to get ready, okay?

If you’re reading this now and you’ve been thinking about starting your therapy journey but haven’t made the moves, this is your time.

You certainly don’t have to sign up and have an appointment tomorrow, but start reading up on it! Look at options in your state, insurance, location, and specific areas of life you may need counseling on.

I’ve noticed counselors are not an all-or-nothing situation. Some specialize in major life changes, some in family counseling, some in relationship counseling, and so much more. You just have to find what works for you.

Not sure what you need help with? Or you’re thinking, “all of it, I need help with all of it,” Make those phone calls, reach out via email, and do some research to do what feels right.

That being said, you may find one that seems right for you but then you realize it’s not a match. Or you may find one that is a match and then a year later you realize they may not be a match anymore.

That’s very normal, and it’s more than okay to change your mind! This journey is all about you and for you.

Take that step and just start. I’ve only been in this process for a few months and truly haven’t felt better. It hasn’t fixed any of my problems yet, but I just view them differently. Therapy gives me one hour a week to really have for myself. I finally have a safe space to be, and for an hour a week, that feels priceless.

We will never be who we were, or who we are now again

Which is oddly comforting

I Lost My Job So I Went to Therapy For The First Time

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