Solo dates taught me how to be alone

Meanwhile introverts are eye rolling

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Hey y’all,

Love Is Blind Season 6 Watchers: Assemble!

After the trainwreck that was season five, I swore up, down, back, and around that the whole production crew could go straight to hell and they’d never catch tired-ass Nick and Vanessa Lachey on my TV screen again.

Then, my friend sent me a simple text: “Please watch Love Is Blind”

“Say less, sis!” The way my willpower immediately jumped out the window? It was worth it. This season is classic LIB. **SPOILER ALERT** We have multiple couples proposing, pod-exes popping back up unannounced, the inappropriate couples mixer - we are so back!

There are so many things to talk about, but right now I can’t get over the very casual hypersexualization of the sole Black woman, AD. At the mixer, on TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS, white people inappropriately and publicly made jokes about her body (and her body is TEA, btw). First, another woman’s fiancee joked about how “stacked” her butt is, then another joked about slapping her breasts. She is an NFL cheerleader, and it’s clear she’s used to comments about her body because she handled it all with grace (she responded to the woman who asked how she got her butt with, “the gym and Jesus.”) But, it goes to show how a Black woman just existing in her natural glory can make people so insecure that they resort to ridicule. I felt for her and secretly wished she didn’t choose to go high when they went low.

Are you watching this season? Drop some of your WTF moments in the comments!

This Week’s Story

One thing about me? I will go BY MYSELF. If I want to take a trip, see a movie, take a class, or do anything that involves making me happy—I’m happy to do it alone. It took a lot of practice, resilience, and side-eyes from nosey restaurant waiters, but in the end, I’m so much more confident for it. This essay by Kelley Nele proves that anyone can flex this skill, even extroverts! This month’s theme is about how to love, and sometimes you have to learn how to love your own company.

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Mag

How I Learned To Love Solo Dates

by Kelley Nele 

“I wish you were here,” I bemoaned, “everyone is going to be going with friends or a partner. I can’t go alone.” 

“Yes, you can,” Mercy insisted, “and you can call me once you have and we can talk all about it.” 

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t go to the cinema and watch 50 Shades of Grey—of all films—alone. It would be ludicrous! But Mercy insisted that I could, that there were things far worse than going to the movies alone. 

Up until the day I attended the premiere of 50 Shades Of Grey, I thought differently.

The day had finally arrived; February 13th, 2015. The day 50 Shades of Grey was set to premiere in South Africa. The day every couple and 50 Shades fan had been patiently waiting for. The day I had been patiently awaiting.

I stared at my clothes anxiously while I sat on an invisible fence. They lay across my bed, as scattered as my mind. Should I go? Should I stay? Was Brandy ever torn between going to the movies alone and sittin’ up in her room? 

I pulled out my phone for the umpteenth time, only a few hours until the premiere. I grew more and more anxious as each minute went by. I was prepared to miss out on one of the most exciting premieres South Africa has witnessed, all because I was too scared to go alone.

I thought about how unfortunate it would be to miss out on the experience after obsessing over the 50 Shades of Grey series throughout grade 11. How tragic. How pathetic. Are you really going to miss this?

The shame I felt was unbearable. This isn’t me. I don’t shy away from things, in fact, I’m known for being quite confrontational. 

“F*ck it!” I finally said, reaching for an outfit, “I’m going.” 

I arrived at the cinema, it was crowded. As I anticipated, there were packs of friends and at least two dozen couples beaming with excitement. I was overwhelmed, but I told myself to suck it up. You’re doing fine! 

We shuffled to our seats and pretty soon the film began. As the plot unfolded, and the scenes became steamier and steamier, the crowd bombilated with intrigue. 

This was the part where I was supposed to feel uncomfortable, and out of place. But I didn’t. I oohed, aahed, and chuckled along. 

The theatre was so full and so engaged that it wasn’t long until I was completely immersed in the experience—I forgot I was there alone. 

I enjoyed myself, so much so that it felt like time had sped up. Before I knew it, the film was over, and it was time to depart. 

I was so proud of myself for having been able to do an activity in public all by myself that I floated out of the theatre on a high. I’ve never done drugs before, but I imagine they would feel similar to how I felt that day. I was able to get over my fear and do something I never thought I could do.

You know the feeling of going on an incredible first date that you don’t want to end? That’s how I felt. Excited to continue, I made my way to my favorite restaurant, ordered a meal, and eased into my chair. I felt something within me change that day. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I liked it.

If you’re an introvert reading this you’re probably thinking, you’re just starting to do things by yourself? I’ve been enjoying my own company all my life.

I know, I’m late. But isn’t the saying, “Better late than never?"

Contrary to popular opinion, extroverts are capable of being alone. 

If you’re an extrovert who struggles with the idea of doing something alone, here are a few things you can do:

1. Try to see it as an opportunity to be with yourself as opposed to by yourself. Everyone else in your life knows how great it is to be in your company, this is an opportunity for you to find that out for yourself.

2. Remember that no one is as preoccupied with you as you are. Stop worrying about what people will think when they see you out alone. No one cares, why should you?

3. Treat solo dates as adventures; anything is possible. You never know how something will pan out or who you’ll meet. You could end up having the time of your life all by yourself, or you could meet like-minded people or your forever person. Allow this fact to excite you, not scare you. 

While I am capable of being alone, activities with others energize me. It’s one of my love languages. 

I grew up in a multigenerational household of eight where getting alone time was difficult, but not impossible. While many would hate this, for me it meant that even if I was alone, I never really felt alone. I’ve also always had two or three friend groups throughout my life and never felt I was lacking in people to laugh, explore, and do absolutely nothing with. All of this contributed to me being the sort of person who “needed” someone to tag along with me at all times. But all of that changed on February 13, 2015.

That day, I decided that I refuse to be the sort of person who misses out on exciting adventures because I don’t have anyone riding along in the passenger seat. 

Since then, I’ve gone to a coffee shop and indulged myself with a book. I decided to travel to the nearest city at a moment’s notice and got lost in said city—all without getting mugged. I’ve attended day and night markets, met people there, and created connections I’m still in touch with to this day.

Even though some of these events ended with me meeting new people and forging new friendships, they were born out of the intent to engage with the world on my own. 

Before I started having solo dates, I thought I knew how to be alone. I thought I was fearless. But solo dates are what pushed my limits and challenged me to just be okay with being by myself. 

Plenty of girlies are intimidated by the idea of engaging in any activity by themselves, and I get it. If this is you, your feelings are valid. I can assure you, that once you get over that first hurdle, the next one won’t be so intimidating. 

Once you become the sort of womxn who enjoys her company so much that she’s able to do it in a public setting, you will become unstoppable. 

I still have solo dates to this day, and I intend on having the dates evolve into solo travel overseas. To partake in my own eat, pray, love— fuck, to be exact—journey. I know that day is around the corner, and it will be oh-so-sweet! 

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Kelley Nele is a 27-year-old Relationship and Sex educator/writer from Pretoria, South Africa. She’s been blogging about dating, relationships, and sex since 2017. She has multiple Sexology certificates and is currently completing her final year in Psychology. In her free time, she can be found sketching and dancing on her own.