No, You Don't Need To Love Yourself First
and why it's hard being interested in literally everything
Hey y’all,
I’ve been dealing with a bit of analysis paralysis lately... and that was such an understatement because all of this overthinking has truly been eating me up.
I’m what you would call a multi-hyphenate creative: someone who has multiple creative passions and pursuits. I like doing a bunch of different things, want to explore literally all of them, and feel the omnipresent dissatisfaction of knowing that’s not possible.
What do you do when you have multiple gifts inside you but know you can’t devote time to everything?
I’ve been pondering this A LOT lately. Back in the day, life gurus would tell you to find and follow your life’s one true passion. Yes, apparently it’s just one. But in 2024, how do you know you’re on the right path when there are seemingly dozens of different “passions” to play with. And how do you know if its going to be a forever passion? How do you gracefully move on to something else?
According to these same people, life’s purpose is a short journey of walking one consistent path. One road to travel down. But I’m pretty sure the construction workers for my road didn’t follow instructions—mine splits off in 5 different ways, and there’s a roundabout in the middle of it.
Alas, these are the waves my brain is riding at the moment. I’m grateful that I still have a fire to explore these different parts of me. Until I get the answers, you can find me knitting in the corner of my pottery-making class while I conjure up my next story idea.
This Week’s Story
You know how the saying goes, “how can you expect anyone to love you if you can’t love yourself?” One of my hottest relationship takes is that this belief is straight bullshit. And this week’s author, Natasha Fernandez (now married to her guy in this story), agrees with me! I’ll let her explain in her essay, an example of the power of romantic love and how it can help heal.
Take care,
Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Media
How My Boyfriend Helped Me Find Love... With Myself
By Natasha Fernandez
Whenever I think of the expectations I set for my young adulthood, I’m transported back in time to my childhood bedroom, where I’m 17 years old and reflecting on the future a psychic relayed to me through a $5 palm reading.
“You’re going to marry a wealthy older man and have three children by the age of 27.”
Terrifying.
Yet, I took it and ran with it, trying to chase after that destiny.
Now, I’m 22-years-old and my brief dating history can be squeezed into an Instagram highlight reel of best and worst moments. I reached a victory, however, when I fell in love with a punk-loving, kind-hearted, soft-spoken guy in the army, which was definitely not what the psychic foresaw in my future years prior.
It was a welcome surprise—a once-in-a-lifetime Tinder match made in heaven. I made the first move, given my abrasive nature, and immediately asked (demanded?) that we meet up at my earliest convenience. And so it began.
Saying we were drawn to each other is an understatement. We were like bees to pollen. I immediately knew I didn’t want to let him go. Four months after we made it official, he left for California, so I decided to pack up and take a road trip across the country to start our lives together.
I took the leap off the deep end and threw myself into my first relationship without a second thought. And while I have absolutely no regrets, what happens when you find yourself completely bound to another person, spending every second of the day you can together? You become a single entity. It mimics marriage—a partnership—but because I wanted to know absolutely everything about him, at some point, his interests became unrecognizable from mine.
When you’re this invested so quickly, how do you reconcile who you were before with who you are now in something that is so magnetic? There’s an idea that we’re all one half of a soul, aimlessly wandering the earth until we clash with our other half, and then... fireworks.
Before I swiped right on Tinder, I never expected much. I was used to disappointment in my non-existent dating life, and outside of that I was focused on finishing my master’s degree in journalism. I loved the excitement of writing—getting to meet and interview exciting people to develop their stories through my own words. It was fulfilling, and in it lied a certain passion for learning about the unknown.
Even further outside of that, I was a social butterfly. I entertained my friends, spent nights getting too drunk, danced in my room alone at four in the morning high as shit, admired art in local galleries, online shopped religiously, meditated in the park, and always said yes to new adventures. I was free in every sense of the word, and my life was mine.
Amidst all of the fun and creative endeavors in my life, I was also incredibly depressed. Wednesdays were my group therapy days—when I had to stare at my own reflection in the camera during the Zoom meetings and face the person I truly was. I needed help. I was over being the party girl, and my self-esteem dropped rapidly every day. It was hard connecting with others on an emotional level, and I moved through the days like a zombie from The Walking Dead.
There were so many things I wanted to be and so many things I wanted to do, but my mental health held me back. I was a product of my own environment, and no one hit me with a reality check when I needed it the most. Then he came along.
This isn’t a “my boyfriend saved me” story. It is a “he helped me shed the bad habits and encouraged me to focus on the parts of myself I wanted to keep the most” story. Of course, I was so enthralled with him that I tried to mold myself to fit his expectations of me, but as the months went on living together in our small apartment, I came to realize that’s not why he fell in love with me. Instead, he loved me for the parts I couldn’t, and he taught me that opening up only made me grow to love myself more.
When you finally have someone who listens, even though they may not fully understand, it makes all the difference. The narrative that you must love yourself first to be fully loved is an unfortunate lie—you must provide yourself the opportunity and patience to grow into it. Throughout the duration of my relationship, I’ve changed so much and for the better. As I grew in comfortability and finally accepted this strange sense of security, I felt confident enough to focus on my original passions with a new mindset. I’ve even discovered new things I love that have nothing to do with my boyfriend, and that’s okay.
One of the best parts of having an equal partnership is communication, and now I’m able to look deeper within myself to figure out what I need and what I am able to give. I’ve matured yet still maintain that same childlike curiosity that has fueled me throughout my life. Every day I keep learning—how to be the person I want, how to be the partner my boyfriend needs, and how to stay balanced.
If you find yourself in a relationship that progresses quickly and you feel lost, let go of the idea that you must mold yourself to fit an expectation or continuously shrink yourself into complacency.
Embrace the new, scary, exciting journey and know that the rest will follow. Allow your partner to show up for you, because through them, you’ll learn more about yourself. That’s the beauty of having someone to call your equal, so learn to set boundaries and open yourself up to this new experience.
Although my life didn’t go the way some random psychic predicted, I would take this journey over every prediction any day. I have truly fallen in love with myself, and I see it reflected in my boyfriend’s eyes every time he looks at me. I know that even without him, I would finally be okay because I know who I am and what I want.
Throw away the idea that you have to have the most confidence or that you have to put yourself on a pedestal to find love. It often comes in the most unexpected ways, and when you find a partner, hold onto the qualities that make you who you are as you continue to grow in love and life.
It’s easy to lose yourself when you become wrapped up in a new relationship, but the right person will love you through all of it. Your partner should encourage you in every sense and help build your confidence in who you are, which is the most valuable takeaway I’ve come to appreciate. I look forward to my future, both personally and in my relationship, because I focus on what makes me truly happy. Finding comfort in others can help you find it in yourself, and each journey is different, so hold onto the people that embrace every part of you.
Natasha Breu is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Arts Journalism & Communications from Syracuse University as well as a full-time research analyst in the private investigation industry. She is particularly interested in transforming life experiences into compelling narratives that readers from all backgrounds can relate to. Follow her on Twitter @nnbreu to keep up with her latest work.
I think particularly in America the cultural positioning of rugged individualism seeps its way into everything, even love. My belief is Loveland (the place where love resides) is only reached through others. Whether as a child and parented well (which is a privilege) or through friendships, therapy, or romantic relationships. The point that you don’t have to love yourself first is factual because we are always works in progress but that doesn’t mean we have to be cut off from what makes life worth living as if we are excluded from a prize.
Thank you for this piece.
I don't necessarily think it's BS. I just don't think we know what loving ourselves looks like. I think recognizing that he was good man and a good person to have in her life is an act of loving yourself. What I think we get misconstrued is the idea that loving yourself means you're ok with not being in a relationship and that you feel sufficient unto yourself. That I think is the BS of it all. In the end though, the path to loving ourselves does start with someone else's love for us. It serves as a reference point for us to follow and a byproduct of that relationship includes a stronger love for ourselves.