My main concern was looking ‘wifeable’

Anayo

Nov 06, 2023

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Hey y’all,

(trigger warning: depression; self-harm)

MEG. THEE. STALLION.

That’s it. That’s the tweet.

Women reclaiming their agency and boldly telling their stories in a way that makes them feel like their most powerful selves is my favorite genre!

The female rap game has been sorely lacking in the one critical area that is required in rap: authenticity. We’re constantly hearing how “real” of a bitch someone is or about how many Birkins they’ve acquired, but rarely do we hear the gworls rap about what they’re going through. In Megan Thee Stallion’s newest song, “Cobra”, she boldly raps bars that reach a level of vulnerability we rarely hear female rappers even remotely allude to:

Breakin' down and I had the whole world watchin'
But the worst part is really who watched me
Every night I cried, I almost died
And nobody close tried to stop it
Long as everybody gettin' paid, right?
Everything'll be okay, right?
I'm winnin', so nobody trippin'
Bet if I ever fall off, everybody go missin'
At night, I'm sittin' in a dark room thinkin'
Probably why I always end up drinkin'
Yes, I'm very depressed
How can somebody so blessed wanna slit they wrist?

The lyrics are biting, and raw. It makes you feel sorry for her, but also makes you want to take a bat to the window of every person’s car who has ever doubted a woman’s story of abuse.

I’m so proud of Meg for this, and I can’t wait to hear her album.

This Week’s Story

You know those fun couple TikToks where they're coordinating outfits and dapping each other up? I'm kinda obsessed; the level of planning and synergy is unreal. Their style matches up seemingly effortlessly, and everyone is having a good time. I always wondered if those couples just happened to be into the same look or if they were influenced to look and dress a certain way over time by the other person. And, if so, what if that look goes against their core aesthetic? Author Kee Ray poses the question: how much do our partners influence our style? And is it healthy? Let me know your thoughts!

How Much Do Our Partners Influence Our Style?

by Kee Ray

Recently, I was rewatching an old episode of Sex & The City, as one does. Carrie Bradshaw, famously played by Sarah Jessica Parker, had a politician she was eyeing to be her new dating prospect —the city’s treasurer to be exact. We all know that politicians have a reputation to uphold; from being cautious of the things they say, the places they go, as well as the clothes they wear. He dresses conservatively, while Carrie, a sex column writer, is prone to take risks when it comes to all three of those things; being ‘cautious’ isn’t in her job description. Because of their different lifestyles, Carrie hesitated to date him, and her precautions grew as their relationship became more serious. He would make slight comments and remarks about how she dressed and the topics she wrote about, which made her doubt herself. There was a moment when she even questioned her style! The Carrie Bradshaw—questioning her style? As a person whose style changes like a chameleon, I began to wonder where my style comes from, and how much influence the person we’re dating truly has on the way we dress.

When I get ready for a first date, I subconsciously put a lot of effort into crafting the perfect outfit. It must be perfect—not too much, but something that I think that the person would like or approve of.

One time while preparing for a date, I thought I had the perfect outfit for dinner and a movie: a little black mini dress, tube top neckline, and a black kitten heel slingback. I thought that would be perfect for an evening show, plus I sometimes like to wear a heel to make me look taller on first dates. Thankfully, I asked him what he thought about the outfit before the date, and it turns out that he was expecting a casual vibe; anything without a heel, and more relaxed.

I ended up wearing some high-waisted black jean shorts, a green tank top that said ‘I only speak chic’ on the front and some black flat sandals. This matched his vibe; he had on some blue jeans and a white V-neck, sneakers, and a fitted cap. I liked my outfit, but it’s something I would’ve chosen to wear for a daytime shopping trip or lunch. I’ve always sort of had this anxiousness when dating, but why?

Kanye West once said, “We’re all self-conscious, I’m just the first to admit it.”, and I agree. Growing up, I had to show up in a variety of different spaces that required me to dress differently. Every Sunday, you could find me in church dressed modestly in skirts, stockings, heels, ballet flats, and cardigans. But, I was also a dancer. There, you could find me in biker shorts, T-shirts, sneakers, and hoodies. No matter where I showed up, my style was always all my own. I rarely remember being criticized for anything that I wore growing up, and these were the styles where I received the most attention and compliments from people, especially from guys. Of course, one’s style can change as you grow, but these are still the clothing styles that I feel most comfortable in, hence why I think this would capture the essence of my style.

But as I grew into my twenties, dating became more serious. My body changed more, and I became more self-critical of my style. I couldn’t fit or get away with some of the clothes that I used to, and it seemed like guys paid more attention to my style choices as well. My main concern was looking ‘wifeable’; someone that my partner would like to take out anywhere and bring around their people, and hopefully marry. However, I was also young and carefree and I wanted to dress in a way that reflected that too. So, I started to take more consideration of what my partners liked to see me in at the time.

I love clothes and fashion, and that’s a common topic that I’d always discuss with my girlfriends, but I noticed that I was now discussing it even more with whoever I was dating at the time, and I dated so many different types of people in my twenties. There was the nerd guy, the cool guy with the retro swag, and the preppy guy; imagine wanting to perfectly dress for all of these different styles! It almost got to the point where I didn’t even know what my style was. My closet was full of mismatched items, and it was getting harder and harder to create outfits that I liked.

I live for compliments. ‘I like your shirt’, ‘I like your hair’, ‘that color looks nice on you—they show me that the person I’m dating appreciates the effort that I put into my look for the day, even if it’s simple. When I’m not receiving compliments from someone that I’m dating, I start to think, does this person even like me?

This is how I felt while dating one guy in my early twenties. He would never compliment me on my outfits unless I asked for a compliment. In addition to this, whenever we’d discuss fashion, I noticed that most of the things that he didn’t like were the things that I liked and wore often. This could’ve been a red flag for me, but instead, I decided to try to change my style and wear more of the things that he did express interest in. It wasn’t a drastic change, but I began to wear longer weave hairstyles, more flashy clothing like furs, and designer brands that I didn’t usually wear. Again, this wasn’t an issue for me because I like to change my style anyway, and the style wasn’t too different from my normal attire, however, it did make me question if he liked me. Was he dating me if he didn’t like my style, which represents who I am at my core?

I’ve always felt like if a person liked you, they wouldn’t try to change you. Drake said, "Sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on, that’s when you’re the prettiest…” and I loved the message he was sending in that lyric. I’ve always believed that your partner should truly like whatever you wear, and help you to feel more confident. I didn’t feel controlled, but I did feel restricted, because my style changes a lot, from clothing to hairstyles too. I honestly love trends as much as I like timeless styles. We spent 8 – 9 months dating, and while it was fun, I felt better returning to my style.

Even with some of my less favorable experiences, I’m not against allowing your partner to influence how you dress. Kim & Ye are a prime example of how this can be a positive thing. I asked one of my friends, Kahina, who is also a writer and therapist about her opinion on this, and she said, “Ye’s influence on Kim’s style was positive because it didn’t change it, just enhanced the style that she already had”. The change didn’t seem forced, which is important. If you decide to change styles, it should be for personal reasons and shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable. You should feel happy and confident in what you’re wearing while dating someone, and if you don’t feel like this, it could be a red flag in the relationship.

On the other hand, changing your style could be a form of self-expression, and many do it regardless of who they’re dating. I talked to one of my guy friends about this, and he believes your partner should let you wear anything as long as they’re comfortable because you can’t tell another person what they should or shouldn’t wear. We see celebrities such as Rihanna, Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, and even Miley Cyrus changing their styles multiple times, with no apparent influence from who they were dating at the time. When dating someone, we want to make our partners feel good, but we shouldn’t neglect the fact that we also should feel good! So, if you’re thinking about adopting some of your partner's style or suggestions when dating, just remember to do and wear what feels good to you. You might discover that you like the change too, and your partner will also be pleased. A win is a win!

My main concern was looking ‘wifeable’

This Week’s Story

How Much Do Our Partners Influence Our Style?

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