I've Tried 9 Different Religions...What Do I Believe Now?

Amen

Hey yall,

Happy Monday! I don't have a lot to say today because as we speak Cowboy Carter, the latest album by Beyoncé in her three-act album series, has got me by my neck. I am in a chokehold. I cannot breathe. I am gagged.

The crazy thing about this is that I haven't even reached the level of unconditional love yet that I have reached with act i: Renaissance, however, there are certain songs that are sticking to me like honey and I can't shake them. I have so many favorites, but “American Requiem” has been haunting me. It sounds like a new-age version of Bohemian Rhapsody sung by Prince with a bit of psychedelic Beatles sauce sprinkled in. This couplet strikes me the most:

“Hello, my old friend/
You change your name, but not the ways you play pretend/
American Requiem/
Them big ideas (Yeah), are buried here (Yeah)”

She wails these lines like a cry for help. But then she says, “Amen” and she is at peace. I, at random intervals in the day, think about how the hell this woman was able to pull off these songs, these arrangements, these vocal progressions. But what’s the point? It’s Beyonce! That’s it. In short, she has topped herself again, and I’m so grateful we get to witness the creative genius of a once-in-a-lifetime artist in real-time.

This Week’s Story

I wanted to publish this story today because, in the Christian religion, yesterday was Easter. This is a day Christians believe Jesus rose from the tomb where he was buried after being nailed to the cross. It is a marker of salvation, eternal life, and how faith can make the unfathomable happen. While Christianity is one of the most popular faiths people practice, for thousands of other religions, yesterday was just another day. This week’s author, Mwende Musau, hails from Kenya and has tried over 9 different faiths before landing on her new religious identity.

Exploration of faith is not something we hear of often since people tend to believe what they were born into. However, God takes many different forms for many different people and I love how this story travels through the light and dark sides of that. Were you born into one faith and switched to another? Are there traditions you’ve always questioned? Let’s chat in the comments!

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carfree Mag

I Tried 9 Different Religions: Soul-Searching For The Divine

by Mwende Mutuli Musau

Religion has always been a source of great spiritual importance in African communities. Faith unites us and provides a common cause, a united ground where we can worship God. I’ve been on a religious journey for the last 10 years that has taken me to the heights and depths of diverse dogmas and belief systems. I have experienced 8 religions from various cultures starting from my Roman Catholic birth origin to Pantheism at 25. It’s been one soul-searching adventure and I have no regrets whatsoever. 

My story begins in a staunch Roman Catholic home in Nairobi. I was baptized after a month of being born. My mother was the primary religious figure in the household. She was a member of the CWA (Catholic Women’s Association) and Jumuia (Catholic Women’s Collective). From my earliest memory, the concept of God through Christianity has always been in my life. Catholicism was a core part of my early foundation. The first primary school I attended was an all-girls Catholic private school in Nairobi. It was known for its strict Opus Dei principles (a catholic sect). Communally, we would go to mass every Wednesday, say the Rosary every Thursday, and have weekly theology classes.

As little girls, we wore dresses reaching our ankles, dressed modestly, and were taught to be mothers and caregivers. We had Home Science classes where we were taught knitting, cooking, and cleaning. When we went outside to play, we had to wear a pinafore so our uniforms wouldn’t get dirty. As good Catholic girls, we aimed to attain The Seven Sacraments. This was all normal to me because that’s all I knew—a life of order, routine, and discipline. My life as an African girl revolved around worshiping a white Christian God and I was never supposed to have any independent thought of my own, only listen and obey. 

Things became complicated when I was 9 and my young mind sought out answers. After my First Holy Communion, I went for confession one day and asked a priest a question about the universe. He replied, “God is a mystery”. That didn’t sit well with me. My young curious mind needed an answer that wasn’t clouded in doubt. I wanted to have a scientific, conclusive answer to my question. This was the catalyst that began a lifetime of soul-searching. This priest had unintentionally put my life down a trajectory that would alter the state of my reality as I knew it. 

Two years later, my parents transferred me from a Catholic school to an international school. For the first time, my young mind was free to think outside the shackles of any one religion, I was now learning among children from diverse religious and cultural backgrounds. My worldview expanded and I began to read about ancient religions and philosophies. Here, I met Mr. Wilkin, my high school sociology teacher who was an Atheist and taught us different schools of thought beyond religion. At 15, I read the Communist Manifesto and the ideals resonated with me. It was at this time that I decided to become an Atheist. However, the emptiness of that school of thought didn’t appeal to me. I was only an Atheist for a day. It was at this tender age that I stopped going to church, to my mother’s dismay, and never looked back. 

Religion is a belief system that requires your faith to be stronger than anything else. After my brief Atheist attempt, I delved deep into Egyptian philosophies and began reading about different religions from around the world. I wanted to find the dogma that would sit well with me, but as a teenager, I had less freedom to do so. At this point, I was just a wanderer, a claimer of no religion but constantly searching for something. Men have been instrumental in my religious journey because it has been through relationships that I have sought God. With every new man in my life, I had the opportunity to explore a new religion. 

I had my first boyfriend when I just turned 18 and began exploring the intricacies of his faith. He was a Muslim. To be with a Muslim, you have to learn about and convert to Islam. He bought me my own Quran and would teach me about the Prophet Mohammed and teachings of peace. I found so much beauty in the scripture and found the Holy Quran to be quite scientific. We went to the Mosque a couple of times together but sat in different sections while listening to the Imam’s preachings. This relationship didn’t last more than 6 months but due to personal reasons, I decided not to convert to Islam. 

My second boyfriend was a revolutionary and activist. He was a modern-day Marcus Garvey seeking the liberation of Black people. He was a passionate Rastafari with a cause. At 18, this was the most interesting religious experience that I had. We would go to the Temple and listen to the Nyabinghi’s sermon from the Holy Bible. Rastafarians believe in the Old Testament and that Emperor Haile Selassie is the reincarnated Messiah. At that point in my religious journey, the ideology made sense to me because it shares the same Afrocentric ideals that I believe in as a Pan-African woman; unity, liberation, and love. After a year of careful consideration, I decided not to convert to Rastafarianism. 

My third boyfriend gave me the most bizarre religious experience I’ve had to date. We started dating when I was 19 and he told me he was in a new religion. On my own religious journey, I decided to try it out too. This cult was called Krishna Consciousness. It’s a belief system that follows the teachings of an Indian religious leader called Swami Prabupadha. It invites new congregants using free meals and accommodation. To me, there was something that felt very foreign and strange about being there. I always had my doubts and could never worship this mystical ruler as the other devotees could. We would walk around the streets of Nairobi singing songs and playing drums. I started to grow concerned when my then-boyfriend began skipping classes at university and was spending most of his time at the temple. He started sleeping there during weekends. His behavior became scarier by the day; he only spoke of Krishna Consciousness, read those holy books, and exclusively wore their robes. Slowly but surely, he was being indoctrinated into the cult. He permanently moved out of his parent’s house to the temple. I had only slept in this temple on three occasions,  but I was starting to fear how someone I cared about was slowly getting lost in the sauce. Despite my concern and intervention, he dropped out of university, sold all his earthly possessions, and became a monk. With my mum’s help, I was one of the lucky ones. I managed to leave this cult and never look back. This was my first and last experience with a cult. From the outside looking in, it’s easy to judge and wonder why someone can be indoctrinated so deeply. The answer is simple – vulnerability.

After that, my religious exploration was no longer defined or begun by men. I decided to go down my own path and apply independent thought. At 20, I began studying Buddhism. In all honesty, this was my favorite. The Buddha never claimed to be a God, he was only a teacher. Buddhism began to open my eyes to the fact that religion is an internal experience, you don’t have to seek outside answers from the external world when you have them all within you. The origins of all human suffering come from attachment to our earthly possessions. When we master detachment, we get to the state of Nirvana. After Buddhism, I started reading about the teachings of the Taoism which is an indigenous Chinese religion where you transform your underlying reality through being in harmony with the Tao. That didn’t last long though. 

My last structural religious experience was when I finally began to study African Traditional religion from my grandmother. I come from the Akamba tribe in Kenya. Before colonialism, we had our own religion where my people believed that we came from God through the trees. We had shrines to worship God (which were excluded to men). We believed in ancient rituals and had healers who would help the community. For centuries, my people have been branded as witches during the colonial era and largely had to give up traditional beliefs to survive. I believe that Africans weren’t the heathens that we’ve been made to believe. We were highly intelligent beings with complex religious practices and philosophies. 

Now at 25, I’ve evolved from being a Deist, a person who believes in God but not religion, to a Pantheist, a person who believes that reality, the universe, and nature are identical to divinity or a supreme entity). I’ve taken the good lessons that I’ve learned from the many religions I’ve experienced and immersed them into my life. My mum still has hope that one day I’ll return to church but respects my belief system. I’m a spiritual woman that believes in manifestation and all that ‘woo woo’. Religion is very individualistic and at the end of the day, only God can judge. It’s important to listen to the beat of your own drum and find a religious dogma that works for you and your soul. The transition can be scary but always seek God in whatever medium you can find her. God is real, and she exists in you and me. 

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Mwende Mutuli Musau, better known as Tuli is a freelance writer from Kenya. She covers travel, culture, and food for an array of international publications. Mwende is an ardent African traveler who began exploring the world in her early childhood and has become a part of her lifestyle. Mwende also has a passion for content creation, she actively creates travel content online. During her leisure time, she enjoys reading books, eating healthy, and living sustainably. Mwende enjoys spending time in nature, reading books, and yoga.