I Want To Experience Love That Doesn't Require Pain

is it possible?

Hey yall,

A few days ago, I spent the evening at Miracle Theater in the middle of downtown Inglewood screaming, “I AIN’T SORRY!!” in a crowded theater full of theys, gays, and gals to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of Beyonce’s Peabody Award-winning visual album, Lemonade.

I was immediately transported back to 2016 when, through the best way she knew how, Beyoncé revealed through a succinct 12-track unbosoming that Jay-Z had in fact betrayed her, that even she can be cheated on. We laughed, we cried, we danced. If you haven’t seen the film, it’s on YouTube, treat yourself to some ART.

That was on Friday.

By Saturday, I, along with thousands of other Black women, had taken up our proverbial torches, ready to ride at dawn over the news that Klay Thompson had cheated on Meg Thee Stallion. I thought about Lemonade and how no one is safe. There is no “perfect woman” who manages to do all the right things and therefore escapes the male urge to suppress, to betray, and to harm the Black woman. Beyond infidelity, we’ve lost so many of us at the hands of Black men recently: Cerina Fairfax, Tammy McCollum, Nancy Meteyer, Davonta Curtis, and the list goes on. When will we be considered worthy of protection by the men who claim to be the “protectors”?

This Week’s Story

Given all of this, what truly warms my heart is how Black women have turned inward to find peace. Collectively, Black women have become each other’s protection, uplifters, and solace. This week’s anonymous essay calls for us to seek out what lives on the other side of perfectionism, on the other side of constantly doing for others who don’t do for us.

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Mag

P.S. We’re halfway to the June goal of 100 preorders for Black Women In Bloom 🎉 Help us reach this goal by preordering your copy here today!

SELF-ish

by Anonymous. In partnership with Namaste by Jay

Selfish. “Selfish” is such an icky word. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth when you say it aloud. We grow up learning lessons of altruism. Don’t eat the last cookie because someone else might want it. Always share your toys because that is what nice girls do. Try not to brag because it is off-putting to others. Soften your strength to be more palatable for the people around you. We come into the world by ourselves, but we are quickly conditioned to be community-minded and family-focused. And don’t get me wrong, those are great values to uphold; just not at the expense of our joy and authenticity.

As women, we are conditioned to provide for others in our household. Little girls receive Easy-Bake ovens, crafting stations, sewing kits, baby dolls, miniature kitchens, dollhouses, and much more for Christmases and birthdays. So many of our girl-oriented toys taught us to be resourceful, and they quietly instilled the need to be useful for everybody else. As we age, we continue to put others above ourselves. We constantly strive to fit molds to please everyone around us.

But what do we do for ourselves? There’s a continual conversation about self-love, but the message doesn’t penetrate our communal psyche. Our society stigmatizes women who put themselves before others. We uplift the narrative of the self-sacrificing matriarch, even at the expense of our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors, and daughters.

Generations of women never had an opportunity to experience their own happiness. Their endless work provided us with the foundations for our current lives. As we look to honor their efforts, we must recognize that they deserved rest. They deserved new clothing, home-cooked meals (that they didn’t make themselves), walks on the beach, cocktails with friends, and love that did not require pain. How can we make it easier for the women in our lives currently? How can we water our gardens to better support our communities and families? We must learn to love and focus on ourselves in order to radiate that love onto those around us.

Earlier today, I googled journal prompts to help pass the time. As I was casually scrolling through the list of questions I found on a blog, a random blurb in the middle of the list caught my eye: "List your greatest accomplishments in life.” I decided to do it, and it surprisingly made me really happy. A smile crept across my face, and for a second, I felt like a mini-Michelle Obama. The exercise gave me a moment to brag about myself to myself, and I needed that sort of self-love right now.

For about 15 minutes, I rattled off a list of important life events: becoming a big sister at two years old, being honored as Line Leader in kindergarten, passing my typing test in elementary school, getting my driver’s license, joining my sorority, graduating from college, moving across the country by myself, moving back across the country by myself when I realized that was not God’s calling for my life, being admitted to law school, getting a scholarship to law school. Every single blessing in my life came from God. He has shown me abundant grace and prosperity, and I am eternally grateful. But upon further reflection, I realized that I was not striving for excellence—I was striving for approval. Those hard nights taught me discipline, but I never stopped to question the “why” behind them. I never asked myself if my hard work was making ME happy.

I’ve had more time than usual to have unlimited and unfiltered access to myself. There are no distractions other than YouTube workouts and planning nightly dinners. God put me on pause, and I’m spending my time wrestling with how He wants me to grow.

These conversations with God are especially difficult due to my discomfort with uncertain transitions. One glaringly obvious point of growth is to learn to appreciate myself in the liminal space. What am I supposed to do with myself during the seconds that pass between “congratulations” and “good jobs?” What have I done that I am proud of that no one else can see? All of a sudden, I can’t think of anything. I realize that I still feel a sense of accomplishment from my achievements, but I am hungry for self-fulfillment when looking at my future goals.

Instead of losing weight in order to mold myself into an Instagram model body, I am learning to look at my body as a symbol of resilience, strength, and love.

Instead of focusing on how to make my hair “pretty,” I want to learn what makes my hair “happy” so it can thrive.

Instead of softening myself for others, I want to establish boundaries that will provide deeper and more textured relationships with my family and friends.

As I move from my gap year to my first year of law school, I want to be intentional with my time and energy. He placed a calling over my life to advocate for Black and Brown women and girls around the world. I cannot do that if I am constantly burned out and waiting for approval from other people. God is in control, and He never gives us more than we can handle.

God loves me, and He set forth a path for my life. I need to trust His plans and go forward lovingly in order to properly honor the women who came before me and create a better life for my future daughters, nieces, and granddaughters.