How Queer Women Celebrate Love In A Country That Hates Them

Hint: they just lost the AFCON cup

Feb 12, 2024

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Hey y’all,

This Sunday in America was one of those Sundays where a bunch of Blackity Black things collided and created a galaxy of beautiful Black greatness. Usher brought out all of Atlanta to A-town stomp with him at the Superbowl halftime show, Alicia Keys had on a beautiful outfit and that was that…Beyonce announced Act II of her Renaissance era (we’re going cunt-ry y’all, yeehaw!), and Ivory Coast won the Africa Cup of Nations collectively sending Nigerians into a bombastic depression after our Grammy’s loss to South Africa.

My head was spinning yesterday from multiple group chats going off for various Black culture reasons at the same damn time, and all I can say is, I am fed and the itis is real!

This Week’s Story

As someone who is about to celebrate their first Valentine’s Day with a romantic partner EVER (I KNOWWW, story for another day), I was today years old when I realized I haven’t seen much fanfare around how my queer friends celebrate V-day. I guess I assumed it wouldn’t be any different than how straight women do. However, this week’s story comes from queer women in Nigeria, a country where being gay is illegal. Writer Vivian Oluchi decided to ask queer women how, despite this, they plan to show love to their partners in a place where they have to share love in secret.

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie

Under the Mango Trees: How Queer Women Celebrate Valentine’s Day in Nigeria's Shadows

by Vivian Oluchi

My earliest memory of Valentine’s Day is exchanging gifts with one of my best friends in secondary school. I usually celebrate Valentine’s Day with friends. If we weren’t exchanging gifts, we’d be planning cute dates and going together. Friendship has always been central to my celebrations of love. And this year, although I was eager to celebrate with the person I’m romantically talking with, I had already made plans with a friend in January to celebrate Valentine's Day together on February 14th, as we were both single.

Let’s be real, for the most ardent of couples, Valentine’s Day plans are set months before the day. And good luck escaping the conversations online. Women asking “What is a good gift to get my boyfriend?” or men asking, “How much should I spend on a V-day dinner?” swirl around like the swarm of the Beyhive. However, I’ve noticed the conversations are usually centered on heterosexuality—arts, businesses and brands, gossip and gists, all center on heterosexual love. Queer love isn’t celebrated or spoken about as often, especially when it comes to Valentine’s Day.

Because queer people are often excluded from the conversation, I decided to ask queer women who are romantically involved with other women about how they plan to celebrate Valentine’s day with their partners.

Sadiat

“Oluchukwu, right?” Sadiat asks after introducing herself. I replied with an affirmation. Then, we went straight to chatting. I start by telling her my inspiration for this story. In my words, “I was just thinking about Valentine’s Day and how we don’t see a lot of representation of queer love” She continued from where I stopped by saying it had a lot to do with the country. “I think it’s the country [Nigeria] as well. There’s no room for us to express ourselves freely.”

I went further to ask her how she feels about this. “Well, for me, it’s sad because I love PDA. I want to be with my partner. I want to show her off. I want to walk in the street with her. You know, wear the same clothes; go to a photo studio, take pictures and put it out there but I can’t. We can’t because we don’t want issues with Nigerians coming at us. We have to live in the closet and walk on eggshells. It’s pretty sad. That’s why most people try as much as possible to leave the country for a place that’s accepting of them.”

Knowing it would be hard to celebrate, I asked her what she was planning to do with her partner this Valentine’s Day. “... My partner and I have been together for just a month. But I have known her since July 2023. I’m Catholic and Ash Wednesday falls on Valentine’s Day. Even though I’m not big on celebrations, of course, I’ll send her a surprise [gift] I have to be in church after work, but I work from home on Fridays, so we’re going to go to her place to chill and eat, drink, watch movies, laugh, cuddle and sit in because I’m an indoor person.” She continues, “For me, every day is Valentine’s Day. There’s no day we don’t shower each other with love. So when February 14th comes, it’s like we are just being extra. That’s what we tell ourselves, every day is Valentine’s Day,” says Sadiat.

“I hope I’m not intruding but you mentioned having a surprise [gift] for her, are you expecting the same?” I asked her. “So, my girlfriend doesn’t know how to plan surprises. She loves surprises, but she doesn’t know how to plan surprises for other people. It’s something that I’m aware of. Sometimes she says she calls her best friend to help her curate surprise [gifts]. But I’m pretty sure if I tell her I’m coming over and I want something to eat, she’s going to go all out. And for me, cooking is my love language,” she shared with me.

Olaoluwa

“It feels odd, to be honest. There are almost no [“gifts”] put out for queer couples. If I wasn't someone that likes to [find her own gifts], l'd probably get mad at that fact”, Olaoluwa replied when I asked her how it feels for queer couples to not be centered on love holidays like this one. She went further by saying she had to cancel the dinner she planned because it would be filled with heterosexual couples. “Even down to things like a dinner date, I thought of taking her to a restaurant but I thought of the ambiance and how it would be filled with straight couples and the attention wouldn't be a good thing so I had to scrap it.”

“I'm still trying to decide if I should take her out the day after or make it a special day indoors with cooking together, movies, junk [food], and the like.” She indulged me more by sharing with me how she’s expecting a gift from her partner, “I'm expecting gifts from her too, might not be a surprise because I have been hinting at what I want, but I'm getting a gift.”

Amarachi

I spoke to Amarachi, a visual storyteller, whose storytelling mostly focuses on queer people in love since there isn’t a lot of queer representation in the media, especially here in Nigeria. “It sucks but what to do? That's why I make sure to document queer people in love. To show that queer love is also valid.”

“I have plans to buy my partner this new wig she’s been wanting. We'll also go out for dinner at her current favorite place, and I’m looking forward to what she gets me,” she says.

Nina

“Nigeria isn’t a queer-friendly country, so I don’t expect brands to center their products and services for queer couples. I don’t think about it much because it gives me the opportunity to do whatever I really want without the influence of the media,” Nina shares with me.

Nina continues by sharing with me what she and her partner would be doing on Valentine’s Day, “we don’t have plans right now. It’s basically what we find ourselves doing that day or if funds will allow it. But I just know it’s going to be the same as usual.”

Alexandra

Speaking with Alexandra, a multidisciplinary creative, she shares with me how risky it is for queer couples to express their love in a country like Nigeria. “Honestly? It’s so sad and not affirming for love like ours but we live in a country where it’s hard to express our love. We can’t even focus on it because if we do, it puts us at risk. That’s why Valentine’s Day has never really been a thing for me. I know that I cannot celebrate it in the way I want. It has to be hidden. It has to be kept on the low and even if you go out, it has to be a place that’s safe for your partner. Valentine’s isn’t all that but instead, queer people just try to celebrate their love in the little ways that they can every day.”

“We plan on spending time with each other. If we decide to be outside, it’ll probably be a picnic together. If we don’t go outside, we’ll stay at home together and order some food, and watch movies,” Alex adds.

Despite societal challenges, queer people continue to find connections and love. Their determination to seek and celebrate love despite adversity is commendable and truly inspiring. This also serves as a reminder that Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love that transcends boundaries and everyone deserves to experience it regardless of their sexuality. It’s my greatest desire to live in a world that’s inclusive and welcoming to all expressions of love.

Oluchi Vivian Charles is a lifestyle writer, content creator, and social media manager. She has written for an array of online publications and has aspirations to become a chef and food photographer. You can follow her on YouTube here.