How can you snooze and miss the moment?

You're just too important

Anayo

Aug 28, 2023

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Hey y’all,

Happy Monday and welcome to Virgo season, the most wonderful time of the year ✨

Our girl, Ms. SZA, pushed the internet’s wig back just a little when she decided to feature Justin Bieber, her bare booty, and a strip tease on a robot in the video for her song Snooze.

My friends are sick of me saying this but I rarely understand SZA’s videos, they’re usually just aesthetically pleasing vibes with the prettiest voice singing in the background. But I understood this one, and it was easy to get because it’s so relatable. If you’ve ever been a young, naive, people pleaser looking for love, you’ll get it immediately. Someone in the comments saw the same thing I did, here is their take: This song is about how much she adores being in love. The visuals depict her going through the motions with multiple men. The initial honeymoon periods and the ultimate downfall that you experience until you love yourself. For those confused about why she’s dancing for a robot, it symbolizes how she can’t be happy with any of the real men no matter who she rocks with. Instead, only a fictional or idealized character will ultimately be enough until she stops “snoozing” on her first love—herself.

This Week’s Story

Speaking of not snoozing on ourselves, this week’s story is in partnership with Namaste by Jay, a Black women’s yoga collective focused on holistic healing, and it’s all about not snoozing on self-awareness. Author and yogi Jessica Smiley shares her path to increasing her emotional intelligence and shares tips on how you can too.

Enjoy,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Mag

Unlocking Authenticity: How Self-Awareness Can Lead to a Life You Want for Yourself

by Jessica Smiley

Have you ever caught yourself with your jaw clenched, shoulders at your ears, and your forehead a scrunched mess? Or looked up after a few months of doing a job, and realized it’s been miserable? Or maybe you were one of the many folks who started to rethink your entire life during the pandemic? All of these are examples of what it could look like to step into self-awareness after a period of disconnecting from oneself. In yoga philosophy, disconnection is a precursor to dis-ease. When we make it a habit to ignore our true emotions, we put ourselves on a path disingenuous to who we are at our core. This can have so many negative consequences like depression, low confidence, exhaustion, and an overall lack of joy. But when we tap into ourselves and become self-aware, we unlock authenticity.

My journey to discovering self-awareness

Please trust me when I say, it ain’t easy. It took me over two decades to lean into self-awareness as a tool for authentically living. Growing up in a home touched by chaos, I was experienced at embodying situational awareness as a protective mechanism. By being incredibly sensitive to the emotional states of others, I could use that information to make decisions to shield myself. But this constant state of attention was not at all the same as self-awareness.

Not until my mid-twenties did I realize that I could benefit from pointing some of that awareness inward. I started to toy with the idea that my needs may be important too. And even more importantly, I deserved to have those needs met. However, I was completely out of practice in identifying my needs. This is where self-awareness entered the chat. Growing an awareness of my inner landscape was the first step I took on my journey of unlearning the harmful core beliefs, habits, and instincts I picked up over time.

As we tune in to ourselves, we get the material we need to create the life we want. As someone who spent my twenties realizing that the life I was creating was based on the desires of others, this realization was groundbreaking.

Growing up, my desires, likes, dislikes, and even emotions were often discounted or ignored. I had become conditioned to ignore my needs—which is how I ended up a second-year law student with no desire to practice law. As I began to have more opportunities to apply what I was learning, I was shocked to realize that it didn’t bring the joy I expected. Instead, I was deeply miserable. I took this as a sign to tune more deeply into my “why.” Why did I want to be a lawyer? After plenty of meditation and conversations with loved ones—and my therapist—I realized that my decision to attend law school was not rooted in authenticity. Instead, it was a choice to take an “acceptable” path. As difficult as it was to face this truth, I’m glad I didn’t waste 10 years of my life overwhelmed with sadness because of the career I chose. Tuning in to your needs today could save you from continuing down a path that isn’t meant for you.

What is self-awareness?

Self-awareness is the state of being conscious and cognizant of one’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Self-awareness can be such an important part of self-discovery and healing. Creating space to pay attention to your internal environment can help you gain insight into your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. When we lack self-awareness, we often struggle to identify the root causes of unhealthy behaviors or difficult emotions. This can deeply impact our mental health and overall growth and maturity. Developing your awareness can provide you with the information you need to better understand and accept your challenges before you determine what you want to do about it. This step lays the groundwork for positive changes like developing healthier coping mechanisms, setting boundaries, and improving communication skills.

How can we improve our self-awareness?

As crucial as self-awareness is, only 10-15% of Americans have really got it. But don’t fear, self-awareness is a skill that we can build with some attention and intentionality. Before getting started, you can get an idea of how self-aware you are today by taking this assessment developed by Mike Bundrant, a counselor, NLP trainer, and life coach. As an ex-teacher and lover of data, I love the idea of being able to get a baseline and monitor my growth over time. Mindfulness and asking yourself the right questions are two tools that can increase self-awareness.

Practice mindfulness

In my experience, mindfulness has been a gateway to self-awareness. Mindfulness helps us to pay attention to what's unfolding in the present moment, release judgment, and stay fully engaged in the moment. When we can focus our attention on the present and leave the judgment at the door, we can more easily create space to be conscious of how we’re feeling. On my healing journey, yoga was a pivotal tool to help me tune into myself. Yoga was one of my first experiences of setting aside time to be with, and honor, myself, and my needs. It helped me create a practice of creating space in my day to focus solely on myself. I created a practice of being aware of my needs, emotions, and body; accepting it, without judgment; and taking action to respond to my needs. Outside of yoga, there are so many activities and practices that can help you build a mindfulness practice.

Face your emotions with “what” questions

Although awareness is important, when we’re not feeling great it can be challenging to tune into painful emotions. Often, we try to avoid them or distract ourselves. It’s giving… endless scrolling on social media, Netflix bingeing, or dabbling with your vices. When used to distract from emotions, these tactics are known as “defenses.” Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes defenses are necessary. But there’s immense power in our ability to pause in difficult emotions and face them head-on. Asking “why” is often where we start to unpack our emotions, but that’s where we mess up. Asking “why” leads us down a path of overthinking and ruminating, which is often filled with fear and judgment. Fear about perception and outcomes, and judgment about how we showed up. Instead, we should be asking “what” questions. For example, instead of “Why didn’t I defend myself?” we could ask:

What emotions came up?
What sensations did I experience in my body?
What stories did I tell myself?

This kind of reflection lets us observe behaviors, beliefs, and thoughts for what they are. When we apply self-awareness, we can recognize what’s going on internally and accept it without judgment. Asking “what” questions can help us shift our perspective and make new choices to get new results.

Ekhart Tolle defines the “power of now,” as the healing power of bringing awareness to our experience - just as it is; and I think my guy is on to something. Like most aspects of healing, self-awareness is a journey, not a destination. But the insights you gain on the journey can truly change the game and bring you into closer alignment with your true self. An improved mindfulness practice, and asking the right questions, are two ways that you can get started today.

Jessica began her journey with yoga as a way to help her manage and relieve her stress. She wanted to gain the tools that would allow her to help Black women heal themselves through the practice of yoga. Her passion for healing is illustrated in her trauma-sensitive style of teaching that highlights the benefits of playful energy, accessibility, and individual embodiment.

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