40something and looking for "The One"

I am a fortysomething woman who attracts people for both her mind and beauty.

Hey yall,

My friend and I have this playlist that we’ve kept updated for the past few years titled “crazy ‘cross the pond soul sorcery.” There’s something about those Brits when they decide to get in front of a mic and croon R&B, soul, and jazz that blows my mind. We’ve debated back and forth what makes their version of the genre so raw and effortless, and the closest we’ve come to an understanding is how integrated cultures are there, especially in London, so everyone is exposed to a piping hot multicultural melting pot all the time.

My friend sent me this song as a contender for the playlist—a gem! Our curated playlist that we’ve built together is our own little love language. Finding shared passions to build together with friends is the best kind of hobby. Enjoy some Monday soul vibes with a British accent while you indulge in this week’s story!

This Week’s Story

Navigating being single in your 40s is not something often discussed. Everyone is so focused on getting out of the streets in their twenties and thirties that the thought of still being out there in their forties probably doesn’t cross the minds of many. This week’s author Sophia Husbands decides to give us a little peek into her approach to dating at this glorious age, and hint: self-confidence is key.

Take care,

Anayo Awuzie
EIC of Carefree Magazine

I’m My Own Leading Lady: Falling In Love With Myself

by Sophia Husbands

In secondary school, I couldn’t wait to grow up and go out into the world to explore and experience life. I was a shy girl, a bit of a nerd, but I instinctively knew that I’d eventually do extraordinary things and not settle for a normal, bog-standard life. 

I had big career ambitions, and tucked into that was this ongoing hunt for my "Mr. Right" — you know, that tall, dark, and handsome with eyes that could stop traffic. Even though I tried not to believe the "men are trash" spiel, I still found myself attracting the wrong ones. I realized finding love was less about looks and more about how the person made you feel. Feeling safe in a relationship means mutual respect, honesty, clear communication, and two people wanting to work together, be all in.

Now in my forties, I started a journey to find better love—the One. A friend of mine had read about a love workshop in London and recommended that I attend. I am adventurous, so I was up for the new experience. Afterward, I had mixed feelings, while I don’t think it was a waste of time,  it focused too heavily on the “acquisition,” or getting the guy.  For me, that wasn’t the difficult part of dating. It was the stage of getting to know the person and sustaining an enduring, healthy relationship. I continued doing the research and reading the books. Sometimes, taking breaks from dating, it’s good to take time outs—a “Kit Kat” break.  And while I never gave up on love, there was a twist along my journey: I learned that the biggest love story, and the most important one, was the one with myself. 

There is a lot of literature and talk about self-love. It can be confusing. Take the word “selfish,” I had a negative disposition to this word early on. “Stop being selfish!” I shouted, and while holding negative connotations of the word I lost the meaning. I used to feel that taking care of my needs first was bad, as it was to the detriment of others around me. I forgot that I mattered. I bring this up because we ultimately come and leave this world on our own. Yes, we may be interconnected with loved ones and a bigger collective, like a community. But we are individual souls and do matter. Kindness and love begin with being good to us. A friend once posted online, “When you are feeling low or going through a bad time, give yourself more love.” I am fortunate to have loving and wise friends.

This now leads me to how I became a leading lady and how you can, too. What is a leading lady? One Christmas, I was watching the movie The Holiday and one line stood out to me; while Eli Wallach, played by Arthur Abbott, was at dinner with the lonely Iris, played by Kate Winslet, he told her,  “I can tell you are a leading lady, but for some reason, you are behaving like the best friend. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake!”

The idea of the “leading lady” should remind us that we do have control over our decisions and actions. 

I am a fortysomething woman who attracts people for both her mind and beauty. I have two amazing nieces who love me and bring me so much joy. I have met and dated some men who were not right for me but learned important lessons like saying no and living in my purpose. I have been fortunate to travel to some amazing places, sometimes solo, and had some great first experiences, like climbing a mountain and doing tandem paragliding. I said “Yes” to doing great things for myself. Like everyone else, I have had some lonely moments, but I have also met new people I may not have ever crossed paths with. Like the woman I met when I first boarded a flight to Germany from London, who started as a stranger but then became my good friend. I said, “Hello”. The rest was history. 

Inspired? Here are 7 pieces of advice on how to write your own leading lady story, no matter your age:

1. Remember that your love starts with you. You can do kind and loving things for yourself. I love to treat myself, which may involve pampering or limiting my time on social media. When we are kinder to ourselves, allowing other people to be unkind is difficult.

2. Love does not just mean romantic love, it takes many forms. My former editor was a man from a different background than me, and he loved and supported me in my creative endeavors. We bonded, respected, and loved each other—platonically (despite him being a Ladies Man). He reminded me that, despite my luck, there are good men out there.

3.  You are a S.I.P. (Single Important Person)---a term I coined as a reminder that we need to prioritize ourselves. I need to remind myself of this when I say no to things that are not serving me.

4. Try to avoid the societal narratives of what happiness should look like. I spent a long time thinking that my path to success was solely about “settling down” and having a family. I did not realize the pressure I put myself under, and did not explore other ways I could be fulfilled like by traveling more and meeting amazing people. Happily Ever After did not need to resemble a fairy-tale ending. 

5. Become self-aware. Start a daily practice of doing at least one positive thing for yourself. This could be writing in a journal or meditating. This can help address any underlying triggers that need to be addressed.

6. Try new things. You don’t know if you don’t try. I moved to the Netherlands years ago, and I had never visited prior. I had my ups and downs, but it made me the person I am today. 

7. Be more full of yourself. Lean into yourself, and trust yourself. Like the social media maven Marie Foreo says, “The World needs you to be you”.

I am open to love and continue to live a life full of adventure, joy, and loving connections. 

---

Sophia Husbands is a versatile and dynamic, often called the "Go-Getter." Sophia believes in living an authentic life and doesn't shy away from sharing her vulnerabilities and struggles with her audience through her personal essays and behind-the-scenes content. She feels that by discussing these challenging aspects, we can connect with others on a deeper level. Sophia lives by the philosophy that "life is a continuous learning journey.”